America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Trump to May: "Missed You in New York!"
By Elaine Kendall
13 October 2016
Good morning, to the Right Honorable Prime Minister Madam Theresa May,
I’m incredibly sorry to have missed you when you were in New York, but I was somewhere in what I call flyover country. This is a huge, huge country, but I would have flown to New York in a heartbeat if I’d known you were in my town. I really wanted to meet you because we’re both Right, with a capital R and I’m also Honorable. Millions of American voters agree with my Right statements and have made me Honorable by voting for me in the Primaries. Primaries are incredibly important in showing our fellow citizens what they really want in our White House. Scores of millions have voted for me in those. The Primaries are actually more essential than the election itself. They’re the true voice of the people. The election is just window dressing. Believe me! You were Right to keep the monarchy and I congratulate you for your good ideas, which are exactly like mine. Our countries, Right or Dead Wrong!
I did send you an Email, but it bounced back. I have some careless, clueless staff, who will be immediately be fired. Given the sack, as they told me is the Right way to say that in the UK. I’ve wondered what would be in the sack, and hoped you might tell me when we meet. I can pop over any time after November 8th. My 747 can cross the pond in less time than it takes to say Bob’s your uncle. Maybe you’ll tell me what that means too.
The first thing I want to ask is why you’re willing to work with people who voted to stay in the European Union. I think in that case, you were on the Dead Wrong side. I really want to persuade you to agree with the Brexit leavers, and keep Great Britain British forever. That would make it great again, as it was when it when The British Empire included India and China as well as a lot of unimportant real estate. I’m glad to know that you never adopted that Euro. Your old pounds are better by far. That shows me that you’re not only Right but genuinely conservative, as I am.
I’m sending this letter posted to the address one of my smarter staff members found. 10 Downing Street, Westminster, London, SW1A 2AA. UK wasn’t in that, but I added it just to be sure my letter reaches you.
I saw that you share your office with the First Lord of the Treasury. You shouldn’t have to do that as The Right Honorable Prime Minister. You certainly should have a private office suite and definitely not have to live over the shop. I’d immediately see to that if I were The Right Honorable Prime Minister Theresa May. Just one more thing. Shall I pronounce the H in Theresa?
The Right Honorable Candidate,
Donald J. Trump
FROM THE OFFICE OF THE RIGHT HONOURABLE MADAM THERESA MAY
We have sent you the form letter to all who post mail to this office. Fifteen hundred people work at Parliament, many engaged to respond to legitimate enquiries. Your missive does not fit that category for the following reasons:
1. You have misspelled “honorable” The correct spelling is “honourable”.
2. “The Right Honourable” form of address has nothing whatever to do with one’s political views. The term means “to a great extent or degree” and is applied to certain members of the nobility, The Privy Council, and to people of significant accomplishment in government, the military services, the learned professions and to those deserving of high esteem. In this century, it is not used when speaking to those persons. It is also used to distinguish government documents from ordinary mail. One finds it on envelopes and folders. It can also be an adverb, as in “The suspect is rightly known as a terrorist”.
3. This office does not accept “pop in“ visits. Appointments must be made well in advance and approved by several parliamentary departments
4. Close to half a million Britons opposed entry into the UK by the signer of the letter submitted. This rejection is a national security measure. We are highly wary of those who misspell English words and mention fire, fired or firing. Moreover, the letter is obviously written in code. No English person would adopt as a surname a word the Second Edition of Webster’s New International dictionary clearly defines as “fraud; deceit, trickery; of no value; rubbish; nonsense. The Oxford Dictionary of the English Language is even more fascinating, tracing the word back to its semi-scatological Middle English origin. As you say in the US, check it out!
The Office of Prime Minister May
A journalist and playwright, Elaine’s books of American cultural history were published by Little, Brown, Putnam and Capra; her plays by Samuel French, Smith & Kraus and Art Age. Musical plays are An American Cantata; The Would-be Diva; Isadora! and COLE and WILL: Together Again! Non-musical dramas are The Chameleon; Two Margarets; The Trial of Mata Hari and The Nominee. The “I” Word; Gun Show Follies and Secrets of the Showroom are short comedies. She has written for many national magazines; The New York Times and the LA Times. Current articles appear monthly in the aptly-named online journal The Satirist.