America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Congressman Steals Pope's Water Glass
By Dan Geddes
17 October 2015
WASHINGTON - Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope's water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.
Luckily when the Pope's throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.
Bath explained: "It's well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope's holy water.”
"Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope's glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won't call it a holy grail exactly— I don't have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it."
Reporters asked Bath what made the Pope’s water glass so special.
"Yes, the holy water blessed by priests at my local church is holy too, but it’s probably not as holy as water from the glass of Pope Francis, which may even contain traces of his holy slobber."
"I don't apologize for trying to save my own souls and those of my family. My Congressional colleagues missed a golden opportunity to save their immortal souls. If they end up burning in hell forever as a result, it's their own damned fault. They missed their chance."
Congressman Bath also stole President Obama's glass during his inauguration.
"I don't think Obama is holy or anything. On the contrary. I wanted to have it genetically tested to prove that Obama is really an American. The results proved to be inconclusive."
"I figure with Obama's glass and now with the Pope Francis’ glass, I am really putting together quite a collection."