America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
New Techniques Enhance Student Apathy
22 December 2016
According to state patrician, Adrastia Aurelia Faustulus, a new approach to increase student apathy is about to roll over factory facilitators at the Corporate College of Rogue Isle.
Contacted at RI’s alabaster palazzo, the tony, ivy beleaguered refused to answer any questions but released the following edict:
There is no will in free choice. The state knows what’s best for job creation. We will give you the future we plan for you. Our aim is force-feeding radical conformism without delay.
This piqued the curiosity of The Baggy Pants Farcical Follies, so it sent its intrepid reporter to gather moss on a rolling stone.
In a hasty electronic interview with Dr. Persky C. Deltoid, Corporate College of Rogue Isle’s Chief Extinguishing Officer, he offered the following internal media response.
“All current and future state customers [formally known as student learners] upon fingerprinting, will immediately be administered a calculated dose of Corpova coffee milk-plus through sippy cups three times a day, which allows our Master Scheduler unilateral autonomy to comfortably infuse staja-block scheduling of one-size-fits-all demagogic laced instruction.”
“The college is looking to guide the right and only pathway for the incorrigible,” stated the oblique Deltoid.
When asked to elaborate on the use of the word incorrigible, Deltoid strained and winced but finally offered more nuanced prose.
“We need to implement swift, unopposed execution of certain educating principles for those who think dissent...those civil liberty types who want freedom to choose, speak, express, or assemble.”
With recent new course offerings like Insider Trading and Introduction to Buying Size, Corporate College of Rogue Isle plans to purge the pages of subversive critical thinking literature, replacing such filth with higher ethical standards straight from the strategic planning boardrooms of hedge fund venture capitalists.
Wiping out intellectual growth in higher education learning for more manufactured, state-funded class separation, and with heavy measures of upside/downside clowngrading, the former “people’s” college turned state corporation appears confident with this reclamation.
“The manufacturing center will impose only what the customer needs to know,” wrote Corporate College’s uber spinmeister, Ms. Serena J. Samsa [Gregor related state hire].
“You see, Econo Education is giving the customer base what they need. State government through our Corporate College, supplies the proper conditioning appropriate to a mechanical creation not a critical thinker,” scrawled Samsa.
“No, no more of those creative types here. We’ve conducted studies producing toilet paper reams of useless data clearly articulating critical thinking is not a component of an educated person, by any definition we choose. Well, actually it’s just one study and we got no further than that. But we know it works, trust us.”
This novel approach is already taking shape. Certain hand-picked faculty have already begun indoctrinating the lemming learners toward the servant ideology where rebellion is not tolerated, but complete subservience is rewarded with hours of John Phillip Sousa’s searing rendition of Boola Boola yawping from the highest reverberating fourth floor chamber pot.
The Follies has also learned this new advance on tamping down activism is labeled, Tollmundo Technique.
As explained via online agitprop kiosks, the underlying effect of this state-run takeover is to ensure critical thinking is eviscerated through a behavioral model of aversion therapy called Short Term Education Management or STEM.
The student learner, as originally labeled many years ago, is given calculated heavy doses of humanities instruction while ingesting a fistful of bon-bons enriched with STEM. Doing so will gradually, but assuredly, make the newly state-created student-customer nauseous. The more philosophy, literature, and history prescribed the more STEM confections are given, ultimately causing the student-customer to actually reject all forms of intellectual curiosity, while feverishly craving Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley valet parking internships.
The systematic destruction of independent thought is to “enlighten the force-fed mechanical being, uh, state customer to become more enamored with the high honor of their low-level status in the great society,” says Dr. Voltimand Nunavit, one of a recent crop of Ancient Eight hires, who is the mastermind of Collect Automatic Virtual Education (CAVE) curriculum, and author of the national best seller, Shadow Puppets Make The Best Friends.
“Rogue Isle now has 10,000 market value opportunities for learning high, so we must ensure people achieve their dreams by changing their lives to fill the most menial of jobs serving the poison ivy class defined by Lords & Leeds of Hillsmith and Havenew of Saybrook Colony.”
Nunavit believes this new pressing reliance upon cookie-cutter blue collar aspirations will have customers no longer achieving a more palate-stimulating career.
He also blatantly promoted the recent billion dollar Barbarian at the Gates endowed bonuses saying, “Corporate College is repurposing toward business interests and producing compliant workforce drones, while also committing to eliminate any form of highfalutin mind enhancing humanities offerings.”
Rogue Isle’s Primo Minister of Propaganda, A.U. Inoaguy, recently announced a new drive-thru service at Corporate College aptly named the Certificate Center of Rogue Isle. This CC annex will eventually supply much needed customer service at less cost and higher rates of retention and persistence.
“This one–stop shop offered will cure any sudden onset of humanities symptoms with over the counter STEM remedies, immediately abating any liberal arts yearning, and we’ll be able to pump out certified automatons in two to three weeks ready to fetch phony crusadoes from the electrified magic carpet. And, get this, we simultaneously wipe out any future intellectual propensities forever,” bragged the connected Inoaguy.
When contacted at the state-run Den of Technological Iniquity, former Corporate College student-learners-now-heavily sedated-satisfied customers were saddened to learn appreciating Shakespeare, Dante, and Plato could have been pushed out of their lives forever.
Inoaguy capped it this way, “These manufactured state customers have complete assurance that accelerated share repurchases offered by Rogue Isle’s STEM technique will grant them accumulated value of stackable credentials in a few short weeks for a minimum wage job rather than the arduous task, guilt, and low rate of return through a lifetime of learning, which pushes them toward a rewarding career”.
“Any problems with that, pal?”
Steven F. Forleo is a professor of English at the Community College of Rhode Island, and adviser to the student newspaper, The Unfiltered Lens.