America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
To: Irving R. Sheen, Tax Inspector
From: Saint Nicholas of Myra, alias "Sinterklaas", "Santa Claus"
Taxpayer ID: 000-00-0002
Date of Birth: 5 December, 343 A.D. (12-05-0343)
Occupation: Bishop Emeritus
Subject: Amended Tax Return
Dear Mr. Sheen:
I was greatly upset as I read your last FAX,
that I owed many thousands of dollars in tax,
plus penalties and interest over time that have waxed
into fines more suited to hard criminals' acts.
I have worked very hard to meet your request,
filing a second return was like taking a test.
The time spent was great. I wished to protest.
To gather my documents alone was a Quest.
My faithful assistants, a brigade of Black Petes,
searched high and low for the countless receipts,
stored long in my basement, many millions of sheets!
In order to prove I'm not someone who Cheats.
So I had to obtain rather costly advice
from a tax planning firm (they were all very nice).
They have studied my filing (and, yes, checked it twice),
and now expect from my REFUND a bountiful slice.
They found real problems in your unjust assessment,
forgetting my charity, the great sums that were spent.
And though "substantial" enough, and quite "permanent"
My steamship is really no corporate establishment.
'Twas not wise to cause us this unearned vexation.
For we too collect mountains of information,
books filled with the deeds of men from all nations,
old scrolls dating back from the dawn of Creation.
Your own tax forms do not withstand close review,
your errors and omissions number more than a few,
we found that your filing contains claims quite untrue!
It is very disturbing, what we've learned about you.
Your own get-rich schemes are vast and assorted.
You're a far richer man than you've ever reported.
Your investment portfolio looks awfully contorted.
You've hid much of your wealth, or simply "off-shored it."
And your dog does not count as a fourth tax dependent.
Your wages could never buy a house so resplendent.
And where did your wife get that HUGE golden pendant?
You should really reflect on your life's path and mend it.
Our review of your deeds never ceased to amaze.
Your finances are more complex than a maze!
But there's still one chance to change your foul ways.
File a new return in the next thirty days.
Saint Nicholas of Myra
© 2006 Dan Geddes