Two Blocks of Downtown El Paso Gone: Trump Defends “Grenade-Launcher-Boy”

Sunday, March 4th, 2018

Published 3 weeks ago -

President Trump today defended the grandparents of Walter Thurman Fredrickson, whose Christmas present to the eleven-year-old—an ALSETEX Cougar MS, magazine-fed, repeating grenade launcher they picked up on vacation in Algeria—was used to destroy a two-block area of downtown El Paso, Texas, just after noon on Thursday.

“Not gonna be part of the War on Christmas,” the president said.  “Not gonna do it!  Time we stopped that.  Second Amendment’s still the Second Amendment; boys will be boys; Democrat-led city with weak security: That’s what the fake news never wants to talk about!  Be a lot safer if more people had grenade launchers!”

Asked about the wisdom, safety, and legality of giving high-powered, military-grade, weapons to a pre-pubescent boy, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell retracted his head entirely into his chest cavity and scuttled under a couch.

The response of Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan was his chanting of the phrase “poor people cause deficits” for a period of fourteen hours and twenty-three minutes—a new record for Ryan—until the assembled members of the press corps dissipated under pressure to eat and use the bathroom.  Whether or not the Speaker peed himself—as he has during previous such marathons—was unclear, given that he remained behind a podium for the duration, on a barstool, his words sometimes a little muffled when he held his face in his hands.

The NRA lauded all three men for their courage in “standing tall for freedom.”

“Nobody’s perfect,” the grandfather mumbled, at a hastily convened family press conference, when asked about the incident, leaving unclear whether or not he was referring to himself or his grandson.

“We are going to cut his ammunition allowance,” the grandmother said firmly, elbowing her husband in the ribs.

“Blowing shit up is fun!” Wally—released on his own recognizance and back in school, without missing a day—put in.

“Why do you think we named him WTF?” his mother muttered, slapping her son in the side of the head.

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