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Student Uses Jail as Get Out of Debt Free Card
By Derek Langston
28 December 2015
A recent Northwestern graduate, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been hanging out in some of Chicago’s most dangerous neighborhoods in the hopes he might falsely get convicted of murder. When asked the obvious question of ‘why?’ by a local reporter, he replied, “Honestly, it seems like the only viable option for paying off my student loans.”
The student went on to further explain his reasoning. “The student debt crisis is really out of hand; I have 6 figures of student loan debt myself. I recently read an article that said for each year you are wrongfully imprisoned, you get a tax-free cash settlement, sometimes up to 50K for each year!”
He went on to explain some of the other benefits, such as free room and board, free healthcare, and no cost for transportation. “Besides,” he went on, “it would be more profitable than my original plan to sell some of my vital organs on the black market. Testicles and kidneys just don’t fetch the kind of money you would expect.”
When the risk of sexual violence by other inmates was brought up, this John Doe was nonplussed, “Obviously, I would budget for protection money as well. But I wasn’t exactly getting any sex in college, and that was around other drunken college students, so I kind of expect that trend to continue.”
Perhaps equally shocking as the student’s plan was the response economics professor Dr. Roald gave concerning the plan: “I am not saying it isn’t a crazy idea, I am just saying that from a financial standpoint, it actually makes perfect sense.” Elaborating on this comment Dr. Roald stated, “This particular student is reported as having around $150,000 in debt with 8% interest against that loan. With a wrongful imprisonment payout of $50,000 a year, he could have all his debt wiped out in just 5 years. Now taking into account the cost of living, average wage he would likely earn ‘on the outside’, you are looking at 15-20 years to cover the same debt. Insane plan, yes, but I have yet to figure out a more efficient one.”
“The way I see it,” stated the student as he was leaving various fluid samples near spent shell casings he found on a street corner in downtown Cicero, “if this works, I could start a movement. Maybe write a book, hold seminars on my method. Dave Ramsey wouldn’t have shit on me!”
A follow-up question was put to the student, concerning how he planned on getting himself exonerated once he had spent enough time on the inside to pay his debt. “Okay, so maybe I haven’t thought every aspect of this through yet.” The student went on to list several possible options, including using his Chatroulette history as an alibi.
Giving a final interview from a dark alley in the Austin neighborhood, the intrepid student was concerned but had not given up hope, “The longer it takes to get arrested, the longer my interest will have to accrue. When I finally find a body, you better believe I’m putting my fingerprints all over it.”
Derek Langston was born in Georgia and currently living in North Carolina, but was a long time resident of the Midwest. He graduated with a Doctorate of Physical Therapy from Northwestern University in 2010. He divides his time between learning new ways to deconstruct joints in his hobby of Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, and new ways of fixing them as a practicing PT. He recently decided to pick up the pen after decades of being an avid reader.