America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Student Arrested for Bringing Clock to School
By Josh Schultz
20 September 2015
Ahmen Muhamed, a 14 year old student from Irving, Texas, has been arrested for bringing a homemade clock, i.e., a large circuit board, with extruding wires, to his school, Irving McDonald High.
According to its mission statement, Irving McDonald High School proudly upholds “a zero tolerance policy toward free thinking or learning outside of Common Core experience.”
The school’s website boasts of “state of the art security,” including mandatory ID badges for students and staff, as well as a closed circuit television surveillance system with over 1,600 digital cameras and remotely controlled door access, and monitoring.
Irving McDonald principal, Daniel Comminstock, described his surveillance system as a “control freak’s wet dream” and “a really expensive babysitting operation – world class really.” He further described the system as “a preparation for our students – setting expectations – for that first step in the prison industrial supply chain, or Taco Bell, or wherever they may find a productive place in our economy.”
“Ahmen – if that is his real name – may well enter the prison economy early in life after bringing his homemade ‘clock’ to class,” said Comminstock.
Teachers escalated the issue to police because they were, “annoyed with Muhamed’s enthusiasm for something [they] didn’t want to be bothered with so early in the morning.”
One of the policemen who questioned Muhamed said that the device, “look[ed] like a movie bomb to me.” He later stated, confidently, that his research was primarily sourced from the “Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner show, as well as Rocky and Bullwinkle.”
Principal Comminstock said: “We are considering banning all sciences at this school: engineering, chemistry, biology, you name it,” which he referred to later as “all that terrorist stuff,” and also claimed that “Thomas Einstein” was “the world’s most famous terrorist/bomb builder.” He also said that math was “potentially genocidal.”
Comminstock also said that the national educational zero tolerance policy “has always applied to creativity, self-directed thinking, and forms of inspiration,” which he described as “dangerous stuff” and “not a luxury we can afford in a post 9/11 world.”
The five teachers that reported Muhamed released a joint written statement Tuesday, saying that, “we do not appresiate [sic] creativity and, furthermore, being made to think was – difficult. The End. PS. leave us alone know [sic].”
After the incident, one parent notified school officials that “cell phones also contain timers and circuits.” Those officials have begun the process of confiscating Apple, Android, and other devices from the students.
School officials stated “We hope Muhamed’s creative spirit is finally crushed” by this incident so that they can “get back to what is really important,” which was later clarified as “paying our mortgages, shopping on Amazon while pretending to work, and fantasy football.”
The school’s PTA parents have generally been supportive of the school’s actions with one parent, Sam Tuesday, stating that, “Making clocks should be reserved for red-blooded Americans only. Who do these people think they are?”
Science fairs have been banned permanently at Irving McDonald High due to parent fears of the events being “secret terrorist training camps.”
Muhamed will now officially be known as “that terrorist kid,” by the student body, faculty, and administration for the next four years. Many additional Texan laughs are expected to come at Muhamed’s expense, until he is admitted to M.I.T., or another engineering college.
Josh Schultz is a ghostwriter, editor, and professional intuitive. You can learn more about his work at his website: www.theliterature.org.