America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Scientists Discover Stoner Gene

by Dan Geddes

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Doctors at the prestigious Massachusetts Medical Research Labs (MMRL) have announced their discovery of a “stoner gene”—a genetic sequence that predisposes people to seek out the THC high that comes from smoking or ingesting marijuana or hashish.

The study of 1,000 middle-aged stoners in the greater Boston area revealed that all 1,000 subjects in the study had an identical genetic marker, informally dubbed by researchers as the “stoner gene.”

From the control group, none of the 1,000 middle-aged “squares” (non-cannabis users) had this marker in their DNA sequences.

Dr. William Chong of MMRL explained the study: “These findings are nearly incontrovertible. Just as certain genetic markers predetermine an individual’s lifetime sexual orientation or likelihood to become an alcoholic, now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to want to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies. Meanwhile, most people will find the destruction of millions of their precious brain cells to be a ridiculous waste of time.”

“Many people go through a phase as teenagers or young adults where they want to smoke marijuana. However, most people outgrow this phase, and later come to see their earlier behavior as immature. They simply don’t have the stoner gene,” concluded Dr. Chong.

“But others are inclined to buy bags of weed their entire lives, listen to Pink Floyd, and watch The Big Lebowski more than twenty times even into their forties, fifties, and sixties. These are not learned or conditioned behaviors. It’s genetic!”

“This study helps convince us that it is wrong to punish marijuana users for behavior that is genetically programmed. Many marijuana users simply cannot control their attraction to the marijuana plant. Thus, marijuana should be legal nationwide, at least for people who are confirmed to carry this genetic marker.”

Dr. Chong confirmed that many medical researchers also served as subjects in the study. “Some of the doctors working here at the MMRL volunteered to take part in the study. Some of them turned out to be habitual stoners. They were happy to discover that their behavior was genetically predetermined.”

One anonymous MMRL doctor stated: “I was really happy when Massachusetts became a medical marijuana state and I could start writing myself prescriptions for high-quality weed, without having to resort to the black market to fulfill my genetically pre-programmed impulse to enjoy THC-induced euphoria.”

“But I have often felt such guilt and shame for my years of secretly smoking bongs after my wife and kids went to bed. Now I feel like the stigma of toking up is gone. I can be myself and live free. This is a great day for stoner liberation!”

Not everyone was enthusiastic about the new findings.

State Senator Slim Boyd, Republican from Alabama, complained: “This is just what is wrong with society: using dubious medical research from stoner Yankee doctors to normalize otherwise aberrant behavior. What’s next? Next they will discover a ‘murder gene’ and say that murderers can’t help themselves and so they shouldn’t be punished. This is a sad day for America.”