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Life Remains Meaningless Until Next Apple Product Launch

By Dan Geddes

PALO ALTO - For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.

John Roswell, 28, of San Francisco lamented: “I haven’t been able to lord my technological superiority over my friends for more than six months now, since I bought an Ipad Mini last fall. I just can’t wait any longer for the new Apple TV, the iWatch, the iRadio, the next iPhone. Anything. What the hell is Apple doing? I keep going to the Apple store, but the ‘geniuses’ there don’t know anything. What the f-!”

March 2013 was the first March in many years that did not bring a major Apple product announcement.

Sandy Vu, 23 of New York complained: “Some of my Google Android friends are starting to get a little uppity, saying their Samsung Galaxy 5 is better than my iPhone, just because it has a bigger screen. Or even that Google’s Ice Cream Sandwich is a more user-friendly operating system than Apple’s iOS! But was Android designed by Steve Jobs, a universally loved and recognized super genius? I think not. I think people are a little cheap to not buy the best technology that money can buy. Samsung is just crappy Chinese technology.” (Editor’s note: Samsung is a South Korean company, not Chinese.)

Martha Lanyard, 45, of Boston confessed: “I have to admit I’ve been very depressed about the lack of a new Apple product. It’s been ages. Life seems sort of meaningless to me now. My doctor has upped all my meds, but nothing has helped. My iPhone 4S is getting discolored from use. I’m trying to hold out on replacing it until the next major upgrade, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait!”

“For God’s sake, Apple! Spend some of that $140 billion you have in the bank and make something! We’re dying here. We’ll all on the brink. What I’m really waiting for them to make is a better, Apple version of myself, probably as a robot. I’d call it the iMe.”

Bill Vortman, 18, of Chicago added: “I’ve got these so-called friends who don’t have Ipads. Some of them say they’re worried about things like losing their freedom speech or the bank runs in Cyprus. But they don’t get it! I’m like, look how sweet this tablet is! They don’t let you have this kind of cool technology in police states, only in democracies. You think anybody in China has an iPad? I use my Ipad constantly, and it makes me feel free and empowered. God bless America. And God bless Apple!”


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