America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
If Laws Were Written by Teenagers
By Janet Josselyn
5 February 2017
If Congress was composed of teenagers, laws intended to rein-in outrageous parental behavior would be passed with lightening speed, proving that teens are actually capable of doing something quickly.
Breaking news stories such as the following would flood main stream media and social media, shedding light on the unacceptable behavior of the parental authorities, from a teen's perspective.
A suburban mother of one was arrested Friday night after a concerned citizen called police to report that she overheard the mom telling her teenage son that there would be no more junk food allowed in the house.
After questioning the mom for hours, the police arrested her on 5 counts of Child Endangerment, as follows:
1. Child Endangerment: Denying Junk Food to a Child
The allegedly abusive mom tearfully admitted that she had indeed banned all junk food from her home. In between gasping for breath and blowing her nose, she further incriminated herself by mentioning that she had also banned all fried foods, sweets and pizza. She was apparently unaware that banning all food groups eaten by teenagers is akin to starving a child.
2. Child Endangerment: Denying a Teenager Use of the TV
The allegedly abusive mom explained that she had denied her teenage son use of the TV during her favorite news programs. She admitted that it had started with just a half hour news program she'd watch while cooking the dinner but then it spiraled out of control and she was now depriving her son of the use of the TV for up to two hours every night.
3. Child Endangerment: Making a Teenager Mow the Lawn
The allegedly abusive mom cried as police updated her on how the courts currently interpret cases pertaining to forced labor. The mom spoke at length about the ride-on mower's ease of use but her pleas fell on deaf ears. She tried to explain that she wasn't requiring her son to use a push-mower but no one knew what a push-mower was which made them wonder if perhaps she had early-onset dementia.
4. Child Endangerment: Forcing a Teenager to Walk to School
The police were unsympathetic when the mom explained that she refused to drive her teenage son 300 yards to school because she felt that her upper middle class neighborhood was safe and her 200 pound son would be able to take care of himself because he was on the football team. The mom listened quietly as they explained that a child of any size who was walking on a sidewalk could be hit by any range of vehicles, from a delivery truck to a suburban mom driving an SUV, in addition to other dangers such as those posed by dogs that bite and landscaping crews composed of illegal immigrant rapists.
5. Child Endangerment: Requiring a Child to Write Thank You Notes by Hand
The sobbing mom tried to justify her strict requirement of hand-written thank you notes by saying that no one ever died from writing a thank you note by hand. She did, however, reluctantly admit that she was aware that emails, phone calls and text messages would take considerably less time and require considerably less effort, especially when thanking someone for a gift they hated. After aggressive questioning, she confessed that she had required her son to hand write as many as five thank you notes every year of his life.
At this point in the interrogation, the teary-eyed mom added that she was thankful she'd been stopped from inflicting further harm on her son who she loved dearly.
"I am so relieved that you stopped me before I did something even worse, like requiring my son to get a paid summer job instead of going on those expensive and fun internships!"
Charges were later dropped, however, when her son declared his intention not to testify at the trial. He stated that he loved his mother despite her failings as a parent but more importantly, he needed someone to wash his football uniform before the game that night.
Janet Eve Josselyn is a graduate of Colby College, Harvard Graduate School of Design and Boston College Law School. She is a blogger for The Huffington Post and has published one novel, Thin Rich Bitches. She enjoys collecting advanced degrees and not using the knowledge for monetary gain. To her credit, she is remarkably optimistic despite her obvious shortcomings and lack of talent.