How to Make Congress Work Again

Sunday, April 8th, 2018

Published 2 weeks ago -

There’s gridlock in Congress. Why? In short, the answer is that neither party, especially one of them, seems inclined to reach over the aisle to get anything done, ever. I would posit that the apparently endless stand-off might be remedied by the following:


Every member of Congress, and in particular those who have ever, and in any way, supported stupid shit that only helps rich people, must forthwith take daily Zumba classes at the YMCA I attend in suburban New Jersey. They must continue to take Zumba classes until they can shimmy, shake their booties, do the salsa, merengue and the cha-cha-cha; know the difference between Afro Pop, Nigerian, hip-hop, and Reggaeton; and can sing all the lyrics to the songs “Juicy, Lucy” by Destra, “Iyanya” by Kukere, and “The Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran. Members will be required to admire fellow dancers wearing T-shirts that proclaims any of the following slogans: “classy, sassy, and smart-assy,” “curved hips and red lips,” “thick thighs, thin patience,” “the bitch is in the house,” “no you can’t touch my hair,” and “I slay.”


Members of Congress, from both houses, and in particular those who take shitloads of money from huge corporations that fuck everyone but their own share-holders, must forthwith shop at least twice a week at the ShopRite on the corner of Bellevue Avenue and Broad Street in Clifton, NJ.  At said ShopRite, Members are prohibited from running into or honking at old people using walkers, as they painstakingly and with utmost deliberation cross the parking lot; they are similarly prohibited from yelling at any fellow shoppers who, as they finally ascend to the front of the line and are about to pay for their groceries, suddenly remember that they needed 1 percent, not 2 percent milk. Likewise members are prohibited from yelling at, cursing, or praying for the death of any such shoppers who pay for their groceries with a combination of small coins and coupons. Members must, at all times, whether pushing a full-size or half-size shopping cart, refrain from commenting on any other shopper’s appearance, including the wearing of flagrantly Jewish, Muslim, or hip-hop/gangsta fashions.  Members must buy enough food and other supplies for their families to last at least five days without once complaining about the price of groceries, because, after all, if you worked for a living and weren’t so damn lazy, you wouldn’t need food stamps.


Members of Congress, from both houses, and in particular those who enact legislation to take food, clothing and decent medical care away from people already living in dire circumstances, must give up their cars for a month and instead take the bus.  Which bus?  Any bus, you coddled money-grubbing troglodyte.  It’s no fun taking three buses in order to get to work on time? Oh dear, my heart bleeds.  But the a.c. wasn’t working?  No seats left?  The bus never comes on time?  To top it all off, the traffic is terrible, and a homeless woman is sleeping across all five seats in the back row?  Poor you. Maybe if you stopped whining and worked hard things would improve.  Until then, shut the f-ck up.


Members, particularly those who profess to be good Christians even though they’ve long since sold their souls to the forces of sheer evil, must go to New Orleans’ Jazz Fest. In particular, they must sit in the Gospel Tent, and clap, loudly, as one song after the other proclaims that God is a god of love, mercy, justice, and redemption.


Members of both houses, and in particular those members whose heads are stuck so far up their own asses that all they see is the churnings of their own bile, must wait in the security line at Ben Gurion airport nightly, for the midnight flight to New York. During such wait-times, members are prohibited from cutting in line, asking the dark-skinned guy who’s both wearing a yarmulke and speaking fluent Hebrew how he can possibly be a Jew, or arguing with the security agents, who by the way are also members of the IDF, and are thus trained to use firearms when necessary, which in Israel is hardly at all, because even though soldiers are everywhere, and all of them carry machine guns, Israel has gun control: so murder, let alone mass slayings, doesn’t happen.


Members of Congress, particularly those that seem to think that only certain people get to enjoy clean air and water, decent housing, or a reasonably good education, must go back to kindergarten.  Members will not participate in any “moving up” ceremony, promoting them to the first grade, until they learn how to share.


Members of both houses, and in particular those members who say they’re pro-life but don’t seem to give a shit about protecting students, must go to high school.  Where, among other tasks, they must pass classes in history, biology, and government, mastering the basics of evolution, the separation of church and state, the Constitution.  They must eat only what’s offered in the cafeteria and if a madman equipped with an automatic assault rifle starts shooting up their fellow students, they have the option of hiding in a closet.


Failure to sufficiently master any of the aforementioned skills will result in loss of Congressional seat.

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