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Trump Promises “No Sexual Assault” During Final Debate

Trump lips

17 October 2016

NEW YORK – After a week of new allegations of Donald Trump’s past sexual predations, campaign spokesman Dick Digger stated that Mr. Trump would not commit sexual assault “before, during or after” his final Presidential debate with Hillary Clinton on October 19th at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV).

“Mr. Trump will be calm, Presidential, and in full control of his powerful, world-class libido. As always,” Digger promised.

Mr. Trump, giving an impromptu interview from the lingerie department at a Manhattan Victoria’s Secret boutique, confirmed this new campaign promise.  “Yes, yes. I promise not to commit sexual assault during the final debate, before, or even after I crush Crooked Hillary Clinton and celebrate backstage.”

Trump continued: “I make this promise with the full knowledge that the debate is rigged. We know Crooked Hillary is plotting with the debate organizers to employ the hottest possible teenage assistants. They are plotting to tempt me backstage with UNLV college babes and even Vegas hookers.”

“But I will not take the bait and grab their young, luscious, nubile bodies no matter how badly they hunger for me─The Donald─to do exactly that,” promised Trump. “I will be very Presidential. I won’t act like Bill Clinton─who remains free to continue his lifelong campaign of serial groping all women─except for ugly Crooked Hillary, who protects her serial rapist husband. They should both be in jail.”

“Sing-Sing Clinton! Sing-Sing!” shouted a defiant Trump, echoing Citizen Kane, and startling other nearby lingerie shoppers.

Trump rejected the recent claims of women that he had groped them as “false smears”.

“Most of them have probably grown fat as pigs by now, so I don’t know why anyone would ever listen to their false allegations anyway. Pigs.”

Speaking in rhyme, Trump specifically promised not to expose his sexual organ during the debate:  “Crooked Hillary is totally wrong.  I will not reveal my huge schlong. Though my huge hands are known to impress. I will not grope any perky breasts.”

Trump went on to state: “Lying Hillary sure isn’t my type. She’s an old bag hiding serious health problems and may drop dead any day now. So you can be quite sure I won’t grope her. Or even leer at her. I also promise to not expose Hillary’s hidden colostomy bag on national television. Unless she gets out of hand.”

Most political pundits were relieved by Trump’s vow not to commit sexual assault during the final debate. Whether Trump can transcend this fresh wave of allegations to pull-off an upset victory in the final 2016 Presidential debate is anyone’s guess. The odds of Donald Trump winning the U.S. Presidential election in November have dropped precipitously since the leaked audio of him from a hot microphone offstage at Access Hollywood from 2005.  

Asked by one reporter about the unseemliness of making his vow while lurking near the lingerie dressing rooms, Trump explained: “I’m here to buy some new negligee for my wife. The babes who work here are just trying on nightgowns for me.”

“Wow, you’re hotter than Melania and Ivanka combined!” Trump told one employee, after the interview, while a hot mike was on. “Come here. Let me show you something,” he said, following her into a dressing room.


Dan GeddesDan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist. In addition to satire, Geddes' serious criticism in The Satirist online has been widely cited in books, English courses, academic papers, newspapers, and websites. Geddes has written for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, the Dry Bones Review, and The Modern Word. His satirical work has also appeared in GlossyNews.com. He lives in Amsterdam.