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An eight-year-old boy was the first victim. A bite to the neck and it was over. But the tiger must have been confused by the pandemonium around him, because after securing his meal, he went on a murder spree.

TPP

"Yes, we could tell you what's in the TPP, but then we would have to kill you."
"How could the world even function without our brilliant sarcasm? People would remain forever blind to their moral failings, especially when we enrage them by ridiculing their most sacred beliefs. That is a real service to all humanity."
Facebook executives have confirmed rumors of an unprecedented new feature which will automatically scan your Facebook News Feed for opinions, datasets, and scientific facts which might possibly upset you--then alter them to match your beliefs.
These bizarre and terrifying happenings may seem too ghastly to be true, but I must assure you that my tale unfolded exactly as I will relate it.
Hillary: Well, Ryan, as long as I can remember I've wanted to be THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.
A gradual process of attrition through death, sickness, and injury would eventually eliminate horses in Central Park.

Can-throwing kid

As of January 1st, all students entering kindergarten in the school system will be required to demonstrate their ability to throw canned food (SBP 100.2).
Dulles' study of 2,000 young people aged 18 to 29 found that 'only 5% were willing to protest anything--no matter how unjust. And most of them are crazy.'
For those interested in getting into this lucrative field here are a few ideas on the subject.
Much to the dismay of Howdy Doody and the Princess, Mr. Bluster's first major initiative was to pick a fight with all the teachers in She Wore a New Jersey.

Fed lowers interest rates to i

"An interest rate of i actually makes sense in this era of ultra-low interest rates and massive quantitative easing."
Senator Tom Cotton may have a history of sending out ill-conceived, pedantic letters.

Breakfast Dessert

"Next he will say that the Virgin Mary wasn’t extra virgin! Or that we never went to the moon!"
 
Plus: the 2016 U.S. presidential election, scooters in Amsterdam, and economists calling for major war.

Breakfast Dessert

"The brilliance of Breakfast Dessert in all its glorious manifestations is that it is eaten after and in addition to breakfast."

Jonathan Swift

"For first let me applaud the title of your Publication. An Onion is by far the most approved Object for your Endeavour, as it moves Tears in the eyes of even the most Savage and inhuman breast."

Harry Reid eye

Reid said he has been reading up to three books a day, along with five magazines cover to cover, since he was eight.

gyllenhal

Jake did not get an Oscar nomination for one reason and one reason only: He's far too pretty.
Yoko Ono. Heather Mills. Yoko Ono Lennon. Heather Mills-McCartney. Two women. Two Beatles. Who knew? Just remember – everyone – even the allegedly sycophantic, royally aspirational, need someone to look up to.

Zen Master Yamamoto

"America's fullness is a bad fullness; an emptiness. America is full of emptiness, because it is too full of fullness. It is even empty of emptiness—but in the bad way."
There are plenty of other special-interest groups that could be formed—Stupid-Americans, Fat-Americans, Angry-Americans, American-Elitists—and I believe they should be formed.
The following translation of an ancient Roman papyrus scroll recently unearthed by the distinguished Harvard archeologist Dr. Reid Bologna gives historical evidence as to the actual generosity of the NFL settlement.
As boring as a three hour black and white film with subtitles containing a total of three shots of the same three speed bicycle sitting outside a café in the rain.

Crapshot

Dr. Lana Amene developed a device about the size of a Smartphone that could be directed at a person, or persons, and when activated cause them to spontaneously evacuate their bowels.

"When the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!"
When pressed as to why he ever agreed to appear at the event, Scalise said that he thought he was going to be speaking at a conference of the ARLU, which is the Ayn Rand Liberties Union.
Though generally believed to be caused by changes of density and pressure in the Earth’s crust, GOP leaders say they are outraged that the President allowed such a thing to happen on American soil.
Voltaire retired to Wandsworth for a few months to brush up on his English so that he could chat with Pope, who usually talked in couplets.

Rupert Murdoch has confessed that The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.
The new disorders show the willingness of American psychiatry to see psychiatric disorders for what they are: renewable sources of billable hours.
(including Santa Claus and Sinterklaas comparison table.)
Greg Shapiro talks with Dan Geddes about The Satirist, digital privacy, Facebook, and Google.
I Wanna Hold Your Head, Shia Loves You and other classic hits
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.
The IRS stated that: Corporate persons generate far more jobs than unincorporated persons (so-called individuals), and thus are far more important to the economy.
Obama says ISIL, the Media ISIS. / Both sides agree that the world's in a crisis. / ISIL! ISIS! SCHMISIL! SCHMISIS! / Let’s call the whole thing off.
OMG! Did you hear? Potomac/Beltway VIPs are texting like crazy. Some are even phoning. This is a scoop of all scoops, hot and heavy with anger, as well as sex.
The first time I lost a kid, I felt real bad about it.
This decision will open the doors to other companies who will shed costly employee benefit programs by trusting in God instead.

computer passwords

Together, these three new passwords should form a complete sentence, with effective punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.

computer passwords

"It would be healthy for the economy."
Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

Robin Williams photo credit: Dan Dion

In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment the audience sees them.

This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
Once upon a past millennium, a group of North American Beavers who lived in the Upper Forest got together every year for their widely broadcast awards show.
"Above a vast new expanse of flat skin between his eyes and mouth, he’s telling us our noses will be next to go."
The atheist is my enemy, he knows nothing.
The Grand Budapest Hotel is one of Wes Anderson's best movies.
Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.
Why do I marvel when the faithless stray, / when friends whom I supposed completely safe / against belief go falling for a god?
Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.
The NSA has reportedly been overwhelmed by requests for copies of lost data from desperate individuals whose computer hard drives have crashed.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
"I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross...What has the Red Cross done lately?"
"No, they tell us, poets are just 'producing text.' / Egad! Can we survive beneath that hex?"
The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually unappreciated servants of humanity.
A Would-Be Bob Dylan Struggles With Anonymity
A 1984 for Our Time

High-Tech Saint Nick

"I used old maps—not GPS./ I got lost near France…or Siam."
"all smart investors seek the cutting edge; / the marketplace willl always let them know / which areas of suffering will grow.
Russell Shorto cherry-picks the most interesting characters and events from his research into the city's history.
Thomas Pynchon's funniest book!
Woody Allen's Streetcar Named Desire

News

Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.

World Leaders on summer break

Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
"Now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies."
For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.

drone

Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.
Several of Zed's Facebook Friends have taken the time Like his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including Condolences, Zed's dead, and Sorry Dude!

EU flag

Saint EU is the first international organization to advance to sainthood. The Church waived the rule that prevents the process of canonization from beginning until five years after a candidate's death.

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Satires

If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
"Somebody, somewhere, could just throw a switch, and we would all be mind-controlled. That's why I usually wear this tin-foil hat."
A new coterie of health experts are forging ahead with what is being called the self-punishment movement
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
The Third Leg sees Irving recycle his familiar themes.
Disney creates a beautifully animated rendition of the Biblical apocalypse.

Claude Roget
Claude Roget

Was one of the most influential philosophers of our time an audacious plagiarist?

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Poems

The philosopher Zeno tries to get to a whorehouse. Can he ever get there?
"I was greatly upset as I read your last FAX,
that I owed many thousands of dollars in tax,"

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Fiction

A young man attempts to achieve meaningful human contact with an eclectic set of people in a Florida bar.
Inside the Occupy movement.

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Books

Fiction

Jonathan Franzen's Freedom - cover

Freedom — Jonathan Franzen. Franzen solidifies his reputation with a worthy follow-up to The Corrections

The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid's Tale — Margaret Atwood. Negative Utopia as Polemic: Handmaid unabashedly places itself in the negative utopian tradition, and may have heralded the beginning of a new genre: the feminist negative utopia (or dystopia).

J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger. Future generations may never understand the unique affection Salinger's readers felt for Salinger and his characters.

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Philosophy

Genealogy of Morals book cover

The Genealogy of Morals — Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche's greatest work, featuring sustained arguments rather than incisive fragments.

Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl. Frankl's Logotherapy School (discovering our purpose heals us) was inspired by Frankl's own experience as a concentration camp survivor.

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Religion

The Book of J

The Book of J — Harold Bloom. Genesis is great literature, not the intended foundation of world religions.

The Gnostic Gospels

The Gnostic Gospels — Elaine Pagels. Controversial history of early Christianity

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Criticism

Anxiety of Influence

The Anxiety of Influence — Harold Bloom. Only strong poets can overcome this anxiety of influence; lesser lights become derivative flatterers and never achieve poetic immortality for themselves.

The Conquest of Cool

The Conquest of Cool — Thomas Frank. 1960s Counterculture as unwitting shill for Madison Avenue. Were the Sixties a fraud?

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History

Nixonland

Nixonland — Rick Perlstein. Colorful, electric chronicle of the political history of 1964-72, and the Nixonian comeback (and repression).

Modern Times

Modern Times — Paul Johnson. An engaging portrait of the giant political figures during the 20th century, the age of moral relativism.

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Films

The Big Lebowski

The Big Lebowski (1998). Lebowski remains the Coen brothers' funniest movie.

Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane (1941). Orson Welles' classic satire about Hearst and media sensationalism is not the greatest movie of all time.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day (1993). Harold Ramis's It's a Wonderful Life.

Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction (1994). Pulp Fiction gives us violence in broad daylight, hip dialogue and circular structure.

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Essays

Smoking as Religion describes the similarities between smoking and religion.

Gossip as Social Currency Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.

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Amsterdam

How to survive the Dutch winter - Darkness. Rain. Punishing winds. Gray skies. “Oh God, when will it end?” These are some of the words that come to mind when thinking of Dutch winters.

Learning Dutch describes one man's fledgling efforts to master the Dutch tongue.

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