America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Mr. Trump, giving an impromptu interview from the lingerie department at a Manhattan Victoria’s Secret boutique, confirmed this new campaign promise. “Yes, yes. I promise not to commit sexual assault during the final debate, before, or even after I crush Crooked Hillary Clinton and celebrate backstage.”
I’m incredibly sorry to have missed you when you were in New York, but I was somewhere in what I call flyover country.
Unlike its competition, The LoserCast’s ground-breaking Lose-O-Meter technology is not based on math. The LoserCast model averts the fundamental flaw of forecasting engines that rely on things like “numbers” and “statistics” and “scientific formulas.”
He believed Lizbeth was suffering from menopausal delusional psychosis, having some sort of mid-life crisis or nervous breakdown, or worst of all, turning Republican. What they all failed to recognize was FAS (Foreign Accent Syndrome) was a legitimate disease, albeit rare.
Scenario: Imagine that the leader of a powerful foreign country publicly insults your physical appearance (for example, your small hands, ludicrous hairstyle, inadequate genitalia, or $12,000 ladies' pant suit). How do respond?
What’s with the Roman-style get-up anyway? She’s dressed like Caesar’s wife—rather than a hip, street-smart 21st century female. Frankly, I feel humiliated when I glance her way! And can you imagine what stylish foreigners must think?
The Atlantic is really the greatest ocean. The Pacific is a tiny bit larger, but cold even in summer. You’d really have to come down here to see my ocean in all its glory, and I hope you will, as soon as possible.
When queried about the sources of his ideology, he admits without blushing that he doesn’t read books: he forms his opinions by watching television. When asked about the identity of his political advisors, he replied that he doesn’t need them since he has a good brain of his own, but would soon form a terrific team of prestigious counselors.
Her tidy rump perched on the tri-corn seat, / whose long nose rests where his yet longs to be..../ That under her own power she should leave—
Spitting on the ground / For three straight hours / And occasionally / Patting each other's asses.
You will not be conscious from the time you leave your home until the following morning when you wake up in one of our nine luxurious resort locations.
“I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”
A handful of the letters mentioned in Mr. Thornehopper’s entry were used as tinder during the great snow storm of 1947, when several members of the museum’s curatorial staff were trapped in the underbelly of the building without heat or electricity for a full week, but the following missives have survived, giving us a scintillating view into the lives of Zeus and his ancient comrades.
...For Neptune’s Triton dandled / there and poked at plums empurpled more / than Papist robes or Bordeaux-blued / imbibulants whose vasty visions vanished / in the moment of imbued remembrance, / which were a recollection keening / for a recall of no moment, precisely.
Called “Find My Spy”, the app is designed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. The app has already gone viral and has been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far.
THE BANDUNG CONFERENCE: International meeting to prohibit fertilizing produce with manure / A trade agreement among the US, Africa & Asia / A city in northwest China, known for its shirt factories / None of the above
"My comprehensive plan will cover all necessary and essential medical care for men—Viagra, paternity tests for nuisance lawsuits, and hand enlargement surgery for men who aren't as well-endowed as I am."
“We in Dixie have a responsibility to stand up against injustice, and particularly injustice against ourselves. When we heard about the brave folks in England who finally stood up and declared they’d had enough of the EU, it got us scratching our heads – and we realized, you know what? So have we!”
“Take out? Wow, you’re the first guy to order take-out in the two weeks I’ve been working here....It’s okay. I love gay men,” she blurted out conversationally.
“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”
Under the new protocol, the highest-ranking suit will no longer be called trump in an effort to distance the popular pastime from any negative association with the Republican party’s nominee.
Pope Francis's earth- (and, some say, heaven-)shattering acknowledgment that God, in the traditional sense, almost certainly does not exist, came last week during a meeting of Rome's diocese in Saint John Lateran basilica in Rome.
"I called my opponents liars; I questioned their manhood; I questioned their character; I questioned their birthright; I questioned their ethics; I called them dumb and stupid; I made fun of handicapped people; I cast aspersions on John McCain; I attacked Jeb with the cudgel of his brother George; I attacked Wall Street. The more obnoxious I became, the more people cheered and supported me."
These first relatively minor losses were only the beginning. We now have an Emoji edition of the King James Bible, subtitled A Bible for Millennials, assembled by an anonymous Emoji wearing sunglasses.
Look, you have issues with me; I have issues with you; do we really need to keep judging like this?
One group that more than agrees that the president's disarming smile could pose a severe threat to society at large is the National Rifle Association.
An unemployed man in Cleveland, Ohio believes that the US government’s vast overseas empire and interventionist foreign policy benefit him personally.
Help me win the primary / Please don’t be an absentee / If I win, everything’s free / Need a new flat screen TV????????
I'm a big thinker, as anyone will tell you. Very big. I have a very big brain with lots of very big ideas. And my big brain told me that nobody was better qualified for the position of Vice President in the Trump administration than the renowned Trump ego.
The speaker is referring to a dilapidated country called the Grand Union of Free States that was established after the South’s victory in the Civil War. The year is 2030, but GUFS has stuck to its core principles and remains a slave state that’s separated from America by a long, Berlin-like wall running along the old cease-fire line from Virginia to the Rio Grande.
And he threw the starfish toward the water, but it never made it. Instead, the starfish hit Jesus, who happened to be walking along the seaside that day.
You might be sick of me / But Bill said “run!” and I deserve to / To move back to DC / That’s all I want, to be your POTUS / Forget darned Benghazi! / I’ll tell it my way…
We give the best possible service and do not hurry and make errors. All clients are precious to us.
“When the idea of getting to know a new person feels better than drinking all day or crying all night, you’re probably ready to start dating.”
Rumors spread quickly that Inamesia was far worse a disease than the pox and the plague combined. And so the groans of fear grew louder and louder.
From her early tentative pieces, such as the Bulemia Cantata, to later darker works notably the Toe Variations, and, of course, famously, her lighter sallies–paramount among them 1978’s The Hemorrhoid Symphony–Soames always kept herself, her music, and by extension her audience, in intimate contact with her body, its idiosyncrasies, its foibles, its squeaks and its moans.
Thank you for bringing to my attention your view that our completely bankrupt white-male Eurocentric hegemonic curriculum must give way to a more enlightened pluralistic multi-culturalism if we, as a people, are to curtail the forces of imperialistic phallic oppression.
Back to Digong though. I tell you Megyn, this man, who has Mexican ancestors, is a giant (which shows I’m no racist) and will do things for his country that even Clint Eastwood would have had a hard time accomplishing.
Showers will soon be permitted only once per week. Precious shower water must then be recycled and the tainted muck must be used to cook pasta.
“We want to be a part of the inner sanctum of European traditions. First World Cup, now Eurovision, and later GMO food on every table in Europe.”
I had a little time on my hands today so I wanted to say hello and let you know that Your Shopping Cart Is Empty.
So what is it about human nature that presumes "doubles", as Steinbeck refers to them, are a negative? Why, when we watch a breathtakingly beautiful sunset, do we respond with: "sunsets should be just like this every single day." This way of thinking is a vital human flaw.
trump: noun; deceit, fraud, trickery; of no value; rubbish; nonsense.
A 20 foot electrified fence will be constructed across the Western provinces.
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate.”
Superheroes are tragic characters. Take Batman and Superman for example. One, because both lost their parents. Two, because both are alienated from the real world because of their powers. And three, because love is impossible for both.
Rivki Haddassah Schlimovitz, 17, the daughter of Menachem and Esther Schlimovitz of Kiriat Joel, was married last night to Shlomo Yehuda Wachtelkoenigstein, 38, son of Gershon and Shulie Wachtelkoenigstein, of Borough Park, at the Rebbe Yitchak Feshtunkena Center in Monsey, New York.
Why are you voting for Donald Trump? / my brother makes more money than me / Uber drivers are creating more traffic in town, / my father also wanted a girl / taxes are too high, / my good cholesterol is too low
You judges, you tasters – especially you Frenchies who think you have such great wines – you’re in for a treat. A real treat. These are terrific wines. Believe me, terrific. I want you to see what some really great wine tastes like.
We’re sacrificial lambs anyway, the nominees agreed, admitting that the President’s endorsement was an honor, even if it remained a family secret.
Ryan laid a hand on Reince’s belly. “Donald, be reasonable. Come out of there now. Let’s discuss this like adults.
Jake Tapper, CNN: So Mr. Trump, some evangelical Christians have suggested that you’re the Anti-Christ.
Hundreds of previously contented Cro-Magnon Americans are asserting their Neanderthal ancestry and signing up in droves to run for office.
When did three million Americans become so allergic to peanuts they couldn’t be in a Boeing 777 with a single peanut?
Not since Princess Diana has an entire population been so in love with one woman, a woman named Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, "it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life," today retracted her statement.
If we all owned guns we’d get faster service at the / DMV, be listened to more respectfully in the office. / Muggers would think twice about robbing Jesus on / the street because the son of God could be packing ...
Going into 2016, I vowed to stop checking my social media sites on a daily – all right, hourly – basis and limit my visits to once a week. I knew I’d have to push myself far beyond my mental and perhaps even physical capacities.
In its latest attempt to “win hearts and minds” in the Middle East, the Pentagon has announced a new program of dropping Christmas presents alongside selected bombs and cruise missiles in difficult theaters such as Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.
"If she goes to the dance with you then you'll probably kiss her and you'll start dating, and things will get weird between us and that's not fair because you've both been my friends for a long time," Alan protested, committing both a straw man fallacy and a slippery-slope fallacy.
Even Obama can beat Syria or whoever. It’s a walk in the park.
Somewhere near the Southern border within the Homeland itself lives an old man with his three kindly, but odd-shaped sons. One is nearly as tall as a telephone pole; the second is burlier than a blown-up balloon, and the third is the actual small size of a tuning fork.
Take a walk and just notice the world and the people in it. You’ll be glad that you’re alone.
Reviewese gives us talk of ambitious, courageous, definitive, innovative, magisterial beach reads.
"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of building hotel casinos on the moon and returning the cash safely."
Donald Trump announced today that he will be moderating an upcoming Republican candidates debate on the Fox network.
Midnight’s Sunshine, Wanda Buchanan's first novel, explores in a brisk and emotively effective way the varieties of familial relations and their discontents during twenty-two chapters of exciting and heart-felt moments.
In Syria did Cameron / A pleasurable jape decree...
I admire Charlie Brown’s despondence with the world. The ending is completely unrealistic, as there’s nothing really to appreciate about an anorexic Christmas tree.
“Thoughts and prayers” has served our clients well since its formal implementation in 2012, but, like all position statements, it is reaching the end of its empathy lifecycle.
I believe the abilities I’ve developed during my career as The Master Designer of the World and All That Dwell Therein make me an excellent candidate for this opportunity.
Let us not forget that she also has posed nude in Playboy magazine. This is definitely one thing that cannot be said about any of the other men whose portraits are on our currency.
As a managerial tool, sending recalcitrant employees out for smile training is considered one of the most important breakthroughs in personnel management.
Here at Fox News, we only call for war if the Pentagon says it is necessary and justified.
DESDEMONA- T'would be better to pluck the offending organ from thyself than to share it with every harlot that eye doth take hold of.
Jason is offended that the public couldn’t believe he read 1,079 pages, plus a lot of footnotes. He totally read it, okay?
Reject me all you like, my love, / But take me on a walk. / I’ll keep my dirty paws off you, / and never learn to talk.
AntiBiox+ is the flagship of a new suite of placebos called the AARP or Antibiotic Addiction Resistance Program, which can be secretly dispensed to a patient as ‘antibiotics’ if, in the doctor’s opinion, real antibiotics are not warranted and the patient is a tool.
Dan Geddes talks about Amsterdam, "Satire in the Global Village," the 5 Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief, and the TPP.
4 October 2015
"Yes, the holy water blessed by priests at my local church is holy too, but it’s probably not as holy as water from the glass of Pope Francis, which may even contain traces of his holy slobber."
Public works projects such as The Bridge to Nowhere, a Tunnel to China, or a Highway to Heaven could really stimulate the economy.
The application form and the eligibility criteria were straightforward. I didn't have even the minimum qualifications or experience for this job. But as I knew I had no chance of getting the job, I made myself sound like the perfect candidate.
"A proper sentence for you sir would be for the fiction of your work to become the reality of your life! You foul the name of even the gaol you will pestify with your presence!"
Merkel stated: "Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can."
As boorish as it sounds / I have to say / That there is / An element of silliness / In the classical male ballet
"The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting," said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. "We promise. Personally, I'm betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can't wait."
Irving McDonald High School proudly upholds “a zero tolerance policy toward free thinking or learning outside of the Common Core experience.”
AGENT: The president will be here in a minute, Prime Minister. And… (whispering to Netanyahu) He’s not in a good mood. It’s the first Sunday he’s missed a golf game in – well – forever.
Rumours of the existence of the animal spy unit began to emerge in the 1970s, leading to the expression, “a fly on the wall”, entering the public lexicon.
"I mean, I never thought I would need my gun to go see a movie. I'll never make that mistake again."
That afternoon I spontaneously proposed to Daphne while on a nature hike in the Malibu canyons. Having reached the crest of a particularly steep hill, I happened to look up into the air and spot a sky-writing plane adding the finishing touches to the question “WILL U MARRY ME?”
I never thought a rubbish dump would ever talk to me, but one day a dump in Ain Al Mresseih, Beirut did just that.
An eight-year-old boy was the first victim. A bite to the neck and it was over. But the tiger must have been confused by the pandemonium around him, because after securing his meal, he went on a murder spree.
"Yes, we could tell you what's in the TPP, but then we would have to kill you."
"How could the world even function without our brilliant sarcasm? People would remain forever blind to their moral failings, especially when we enrage them by ridiculing their most sacred beliefs. That is a real service to all humanity."
Facebook executives have confirmed rumors of an unprecedented new feature which will automatically scan your Facebook News Feed for opinions, datasets, and scientific facts which might possibly upset you--then alter them to match your beliefs.
Robot burger chefs, truck-drivers, sexbots.
Hillary: Well, Ryan, as long as I can remember I've wanted to be THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.
A gradual process of attrition through death, sickness, and injury would eventually eliminate horses in Central Park.
As of January 1st, all students entering kindergarten in the school system will be required to demonstrate their ability to throw canned food (SBP 100.2).
Dulles' study of 2,000 young people aged 18 to 29 found that 'only 5% were willing to protest anything--no matter how unjust. And most of them are crazy.'
For those interested in getting into this lucrative field here are a few ideas on the subject.
"An interest rate of i actually makes sense in this era of ultra-low interest rates and massive quantitative easing."
"Next he will say that the Virgin Mary wasn’t extra virgin! Or that we never went to the moon!"
Plus: the 2016 U.S. presidential election, scooters in Amsterdam, and economists calling for major war.
"For first let me applaud the title of your Publication. An Onion is by far the most approved Object for your Endeavour, as it moves Tears in the eyes of even the most Savage and inhuman breast."
Yoko Ono. Heather Mills. Yoko Ono Lennon. Heather Mills-McCartney. Two women. Two Beatles. Who knew? Just remember – everyone – even the allegedly sycophantic, royally aspirational, need someone to look up to.
"America's fullness is a bad fullness; an emptiness. America is full of emptiness, because it is too full of fullness. It is even empty of emptiness—but in the bad way."
There are plenty of other special-interest groups that could be formed—Stupid-Americans, Fat-Americans, Angry-Americans, American-Elitists—and I believe they should be formed.
The following translation of an ancient Roman papyrus scroll recently unearthed by the distinguished Harvard archeologist Dr. Reid Bologna gives historical evidence as to the actual generosity of the NFL settlement.
Dr. Lana Amene developed a device about the size of a Smartphone that could be directed at a person, or persons, and when activated cause them to spontaneously evacuate their bowels.
"When the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!"
Voltaire retired to Wandsworth for a few months to brush up on his English so that he could chat with Pope, who usually talked in couplets.
Rupert Murdoch has confessed that The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.
Greg Shapiro talks with Dan Geddes about The Satirist, digital privacy, Facebook, and Google.
I Wanna Hold Your Head, Shia Loves You and other classic hits
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.
The IRS stated that: Corporate persons generate far more jobs than unincorporated persons (so-called individuals), and thus are far more important to the economy.
Obama says ISIL, the Media ISIS. / Both sides agree that the world's in a crisis. / ISIL! ISIS! SCHMISIL! SCHMISIS! / Let’s call the whole thing off.
OMG! Did you hear? Potomac/Beltway VIPs are texting like crazy. Some are even phoning. This is a scoop of all scoops, hot and heavy with anger, as well as sex.
The first time I lost a kid, I felt real bad about it.
Together, these three new passwords should form a complete sentence, with effective punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.
"It would be healthy for the economy."
Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.
Robin Williams photo credit: Dan Dion
In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment the audience sees them.
This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
"Above a vast new expanse of flat skin between his eyes and mouth, he’s telling us our noses will be next to go."
The atheist is my enemy, he knows nothing.
The Grand Budapest Hotel is one of Wes Anderson's best movies.
Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.
Why do I marvel when the faithless stray, / when friends whom I supposed completely safe / against belief go falling for a god?
Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.
The NSA has reportedly been overwhelmed by requests for copies of lost data from desperate individuals whose computer hard drives have crashed.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
"I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross...What has the Red Cross done lately?"
"No, they tell us, poets are just 'producing text.' / Egad! Can we survive beneath that hex?"
The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually unappreciated servants of humanity.
A Would-Be Bob Dylan Struggles With Anonymity
A 1984 for Our Time
"all smart investors seek the cutting edge; / the marketplace willl always let them know / which areas of suffering will grow.
Russell Shorto cherry-picks the most interesting characters and events from his research into the city's history.
Thomas Pynchon's funniest book!
Woody Allen's Streetcar Named Desire
Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.
Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
"Now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies."
For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.
Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.
Several of Zed's Facebook Friends have taken the time Like his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including Condolences, Zed's dead, and Sorry Dude!
Saint EU is the first international organization to advance to sainthood. The Church waived the rule that prevents the process of canonization from beginning until five years after a candidate's death.
See all News
If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
"Somebody, somewhere, could just throw a switch, and we would all be mind-controlled. That's why I usually wear this tin-foil hat."
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
The Third Leg sees Irving recycle his familiar themes.
Disney creates a beautifully animated rendition of the Biblical apocalypse.
Was one of the most influential philosophers of our time an audacious plagiarist?
See all Satires
- Dan Geddes
"I used old maps—not GPS./ I got lost near France…or Siam."
"I was greatly upset as I read your last FAX,
that I owed many thousands of dollars in tax,"
See all Poems
A young man attempts to achieve meaningful human contact with an eclectic set of people in a Florida bar.
See all Fiction
Freedom — Jonathan Franzen. Franzen solidifies his reputation with a worthy follow-up to The Corrections
The Handmaid's Tale — Margaret Atwood. Negative Utopia as Polemic: Handmaid unabashedly places itself in the negative utopian tradition, and may have heralded the beginning of a new genre: the feminist negative utopia (or dystopia).
J.D. Salinger. Future generations may never understand the unique affection Salinger's readers felt for Salinger and his characters.
See all Fiction reviews and essays
The Genealogy of Morals — Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche's greatest work, featuring sustained arguments rather than incisive fragments.
Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl. Frankl's Logotherapy School (discovering our purpose heals us) was inspired by Frankl's own experience as a concentration camp survivor.
See all Philosophy reviews and essays
The Book of J — Harold Bloom. Genesis is great literature, not the intended foundation of world religions.
The Gnostic Gospels — Elaine Pagels. Controversial history of early Christianity
See all Religion reviews and essays
The Anxiety of Influence — Harold Bloom. Only strong poets can overcome this anxiety of influence; lesser lights become derivative flatterers and never achieve poetic immortality for themselves.
The Conquest of Cool — Thomas Frank. 1960s Counterculture as unwitting shill for Madison Avenue. Were the Sixties a fraud?
See all Criticism reviews and essays
Nixonland — Rick Perlstein. Colorful, electric chronicle of the political history of 1964-72, and the Nixonian comeback (and repression).
See all History reviews and essays
The Big Lebowski (1998). Lebowski remains the Coen brothers' funniest movie.
Citizen Kane (1941). Orson Welles' classic satire about Hearst and media sensationalism is not the greatest movie of all time.
Groundhog Day (1993). Harold Ramis's It's a Wonderful Life.
Pulp Fiction (1994). Pulp Fiction gives us violence in broad daylight, hip dialogue and circular structure.
See all Film reviews and essays
Smoking as Religion describes the similarities between smoking and religion.
Gossip as Social Currency Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.
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How to survive the Dutch winter - Darkness. Rain. Punishing winds. Gray skies. “Oh God, when will it end?” These are some of the words that come to mind when thinking of Dutch winters.
Learning Dutch describes one man's fledgling efforts to master the Dutch tongue.
See all Amsterdam articles
The Satirist - Complete Article List
The Satirist is so much more than just a great fake news site! It contains:
Get the Book! The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book (vol. 1)