America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)



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You might be sick of me / But Bill said “run!” and I deserve to / To move back to DC / That’s all I want, to be your POTUS / Forget darned Benghazi! / I’ll tell it my way…
We give the best possible service and do not hurry and make errors. All clients are precious to us.
“When the idea of getting to know a new person feels better than drinking all day or crying all night, you’re probably ready to start dating.”
Rumors spread quickly that Inamesia was far worse a disease than the pox and the plague combined. And so the groans of fear grew louder and louder.
From her early tentative pieces, such as the Bulemia Cantata, to later darker works notably the Toe Variations, and, of course, famously, her lighter sallies–paramount among them 1978’s The Hemorrhoid Symphony–Soames always kept herself, her music, and by extension her audience, in intimate contact with her body, its idiosyncrasies, its foibles, its squeaks and its moans.
Thank you for bringing to my attention your view that our completely bankrupt white-male Eurocentric hegemonic curriculum must give way to a more enlightened pluralistic multi-culturalism if we, as a people, are to curtail the forces of imperialistic phallic oppression.
Back to Digong though. I tell you Megyn, this man, who has Mexican ancestors, is a giant (which shows I’m no racist) and will do things for his country that even Clint Eastwood would have had a hard time accomplishing.
Showers will soon be permitted only once per week. Precious shower water must then be recycled and the tainted muck must be used to cook pasta.

TTIP Eurovision

“We want to be a part of the inner sanctum of European traditions. First World Cup, now Eurovision, and later GMO food on every table in Europe.”
I had a little time on my hands today so I wanted to say hello and let you know that Your Shopping Cart Is Empty.
So what is it about human nature that presumes "doubles", as Steinbeck refers to them, are a negative? Why, when we watch a breathtakingly beautiful sunset, do we respond with: "sunsets should be just like this every single day." This way of thinking is a vital human flaw.


trump: noun;  deceit, fraud, trickery; of no value; rubbish; nonsense.

Canada border

A 20 foot electrified fence will be constructed across the Western provinces.
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate.”
Superheroes are tragic characters. Take Batman and Superman for example. One, because both lost their parents. Two, because both are alienated from the real world because of their powers. And three, because love is impossible for both.
Rivki Haddassah Schlimovitz, 17, the daughter of Menachem and Esther Schlimovitz of Kiriat Joel, was married last night to Shlomo Yehuda Wachtelkoenigstein, 38, son of Gershon and Shulie Wachtelkoenigstein, of Borough Park, at the Rebbe Yitchak Feshtunkena Center in Monsey, New York.
Why are you voting for Donald Trump? / my brother makes more money than me / Uber drivers are creating more traffic in town, / my father also wanted a girl / taxes are too high, / my good cholesterol is too low
More and more Americans, however, are not using the opportunity to grow closer to Christ but as an attempt to lose weight before beach season.


You judges, you tasters – especially you Frenchies who think you have such great wines – you’re in for a treat. A real treat. These are terrific wines. Believe me, terrific. I want you to see what some really great wine tastes like.
We’re sacrificial lambs anyway, the nominees agreed, admitting that the President’s endorsement was an honor, even if it remained a family secret.

Trump birth

Ryan laid a hand on Reince’s belly. “Donald, be reasonable. Come out of there now. Let’s discuss this like adults.


Jake Tapper, CNN: So Mr. Trump, some evangelical Christians have suggested that you’re the Anti-Christ.


Hundreds of previously contented Cro-Magnon Americans are asserting their Neanderthal ancestry and signing up in droves to run for office.
When did three million Americans become so allergic to peanuts they couldn’t be in a Boeing 777 with a single peanut?

Hillary Clinton

Not since Princess Diana has an entire population been so in love with one woman, a woman named Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Alice tea party

Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, "it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life," today retracted her statement.
If we all owned guns we’d get faster service at the / DMV, be listened to more respectfully in the office. / Muggers would think twice about robbing Jesus on / the street because the son of God could be packing ...
Going into 2016, I vowed to stop checking my social media sites on a daily – all right, hourly – basis and limit my visits to once a week. I knew I’d have to push myself far beyond my mental and perhaps even physical capacities.
In its latest attempt to “win hearts and minds” in the Middle East, the Pentagon has announced a new program of dropping Christmas presents alongside selected bombs and cruise missiles in difficult theaters such as Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.
"If she goes to the dance with you then you'll probably kiss her and you'll start dating, and things will get weird between us and that's not fair because you've both been my friends for a long time," Alan protested, committing both a straw man fallacy and a slippery-slope fallacy.
Even Obama can beat Syria or whoever. It’s a walk in the park.
Somewhere near the Southern border within the Homeland itself lives an old man with his three kindly, but odd-shaped sons. One is nearly as tall as a telephone pole; the second is burlier than a blown-up balloon, and the third is the actual small size of a tuning fork.
Take a walk and just notice the world and the people in it. You’ll be glad that you’re alone.
Reviewese gives us talk of ambitious, courageous, definitive, innovative, magisterial beach reads.
"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of building hotel casinos on the moon and returning the cash safely."


Donald Trump announced today that he will be moderating an upcoming Republican candidates debate on the Fox network.
Midnight’s Sunshine, Wanda Buchanan's first novel, explores in a brisk and emotively effective way the varieties of familial relations and their discontents during twenty-two chapters of exciting and heart-felt moments.
In Syria did Cameron / A pleasurable jape decree...
A recent Northwestern graduate, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been hanging out in some of Chicago’s most dangerous neighborhoods in the hopes he might falsely get convicted of murder.


I admire Charlie Brown’s despondence with the world. The ending is completely unrealistic, as there’s nothing really to appreciate about an anorexic Christmas tree.
“Thoughts and prayers” has served our clients well since its formal implementation in 2012, but, like all position statements, it is reaching the end of its empathy lifecycle.
I believe the abilities I’ve developed during my career as The Master Designer of the World and All That Dwell Therein make me an excellent candidate for this opportunity.
Let us not forget that she also has posed nude in Playboy magazine. This is definitely one thing that cannot be said about any of the other men whose portraits are on our currency.


As a managerial tool, sending recalcitrant employees out for smile training is considered one of the most important breakthroughs in personnel management.
Here at Fox News, we only call for war if the Pentagon says it is necessary and justified.
DESDEMONA- T'would be better to pluck the offending organ from thyself than to share it with every harlot that eye doth take hold of.
Jason is offended that the public couldn’t believe he read 1,079 pages, plus a lot of footnotes. He totally read it, okay?
Speaking to us from his Himalayan salt-encrusted mud hut during now rare moments of lucidity, he remained optimistic that holistic care would prove effective in saving his life.

Donald Trump

Mr. Trump, In your opening statement tonight, you said, “Carly Fiorina? I wouldn’t f@%k her with Mike Huckabee’s d#@k.” Can you see how a remark like that could be considered offensive?
Reject me all you like, my love, / But take me on a walk. / I’ll keep my dirty paws off you, / and never learn to talk.
AntiBiox+ is the flagship of a new suite of placebos called the AARP or Antibiotic Addiction Resistance Program, which can be secretly dispensed to a patient as ‘antibiotics’ if, in the doctor’s opinion, real antibiotics are not warranted and the patient is a tool.
"Yo, Karl Rove, how do you like Ohio now? Apologies. I just got an urge to throw a shout out to one of Fox News’ fave guests and the maker of my most memorable moment from the 2012 election. Not a lot of psephology needed except to say 47% don’t win a two man race, and that was Mittens’ main complaint..."
Dan Geddes talks about Amsterdam, "Satire in the Global Village," the 5 Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief, and the TPP.
4 October 2015
"Yes, the holy water blessed by priests at my local church is holy too, but it’s probably not as holy as water from the glass of Pope Francis, which may even contain traces of his holy slobber."
Public works projects such as The Bridge to Nowhere, a Tunnel to China, or a Highway to Heaven could really stimulate the economy.
The application form and the eligibility criteria were straightforward. I didn't have even the minimum qualifications or experience for this job. But as I knew I had no chance of getting the job, I made myself sound like the perfect candidate.
"A proper sentence for you sir would be for the fiction of your work to become the reality of your life! You foul the name of even the gaol you will pestify with your presence!"


Merkel stated: "Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can."

Mad Max Retaliates

Mel Gibson got the sack. Too old. Too racist. Can't have no one who is out saving aborigine kids in the outback being a racist now. Especially with Tina Turner somewhere in the wings waiting to do a cameo.
As boorish as it sounds / I have to say / That there is / An element of silliness / In the classical male ballet

"The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting," said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. "We promise. Personally, I'm betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can't wait."

spy giraffe

Irving McDonald High School proudly upholds “a zero tolerance policy toward free thinking or learning outside of the Common Core experience.”
AGENT: The president will be here in a minute, Prime Minister. And… (whispering to Netanyahu) He’s not in a good mood. It’s the first Sunday he’s missed a golf game in – well – forever.

spy giraffe

Rumours of the existence of the animal spy unit began to emerge in the 1970s, leading to the expression, “a fly on the wall”, entering the public lexicon.
"I mean, I never thought I would need my gun to go see a movie. I'll never make that mistake again."
Growing food demands certain essential components that man, with his golf ball sized brain, took a lot of time learning to piece together: there is, of course, the seed, the fertilizer, the water, the sunlight, and I’ll stop there because I’m sure you can Google the rest.
That afternoon I spontaneously proposed to Daphne while on a nature hike in the Malibu canyons. Having reached the crest of a particularly steep hill, I happened to look up into the air and spot a sky-writing plane adding the finishing touches to the question “WILL U MARRY ME?”
I never thought a rubbish dump would ever talk to me, but one day a dump in Ain Al Mresseih, Beirut did just that.
An eight-year-old boy was the first victim. A bite to the neck and it was over. But the tiger must have been confused by the pandemonium around him, because after securing his meal, he went on a murder spree.


"Yes, we could tell you what's in the TPP, but then we would have to kill you."
"How could the world even function without our brilliant sarcasm? People would remain forever blind to their moral failings, especially when we enrage them by ridiculing their most sacred beliefs. That is a real service to all humanity."
Facebook executives have confirmed rumors of an unprecedented new feature which will automatically scan your Facebook News Feed for opinions, datasets, and scientific facts which might possibly upset you--then alter them to match your beliefs.
Robot burger chefs, truck-drivers, sexbots.
These bizarre and terrifying happenings may seem too ghastly to be true, but I must assure you that my tale unfolded exactly as I will relate it.
Hillary: Well, Ryan, as long as I can remember I've wanted to be THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.
A gradual process of attrition through death, sickness, and injury would eventually eliminate horses in Central Park.

Can-throwing kid

As of January 1st, all students entering kindergarten in the school system will be required to demonstrate their ability to throw canned food (SBP 100.2).
Dulles' study of 2,000 young people aged 18 to 29 found that 'only 5% were willing to protest anything--no matter how unjust. And most of them are crazy.'
For those interested in getting into this lucrative field here are a few ideas on the subject.
Much to the dismay of Howdy Doody and the Princess, Mr. Bluster's first major initiative was to pick a fight with all the teachers in She Wore a New Jersey.

Fed lowers interest rates to i

"An interest rate of i actually makes sense in this era of ultra-low interest rates and massive quantitative easing."
Senator Tom Cotton may have a history of sending out ill-conceived, pedantic letters.

Breakfast Dessert

"Next he will say that the Virgin Mary wasn’t extra virgin! Or that we never went to the moon!"
Plus: the 2016 U.S. presidential election, scooters in Amsterdam, and economists calling for major war.

Breakfast Dessert

"The brilliance of Breakfast Dessert in all its glorious manifestations is that it is eaten after and in addition to breakfast."

Jonathan Swift

"For first let me applaud the title of your Publication. An Onion is by far the most approved Object for your Endeavour, as it moves Tears in the eyes of even the most Savage and inhuman breast."

Harry Reid eye

Reid said he has been reading up to three books a day, along with five magazines cover to cover, since he was eight.


Jake did not get an Oscar nomination for one reason and one reason only: He's far too pretty.
Yoko Ono. Heather Mills. Yoko Ono Lennon. Heather Mills-McCartney. Two women. Two Beatles. Who knew? Just remember – everyone – even the allegedly sycophantic, royally aspirational, need someone to look up to.

Zen Master Yamamoto

"America's fullness is a bad fullness; an emptiness. America is full of emptiness, because it is too full of fullness. It is even empty of emptiness—but in the bad way."
There are plenty of other special-interest groups that could be formed—Stupid-Americans, Fat-Americans, Angry-Americans, American-Elitists—and I believe they should be formed.
The following translation of an ancient Roman papyrus scroll recently unearthed by the distinguished Harvard archeologist Dr. Reid Bologna gives historical evidence as to the actual generosity of the NFL settlement.
As boring as a three hour black and white film with subtitles containing a total of three shots of the same three speed bicycle sitting outside a café in the rain.


Dr. Lana Amene developed a device about the size of a Smartphone that could be directed at a person, or persons, and when activated cause them to spontaneously evacuate their bowels.

"When the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!"
When pressed as to why he ever agreed to appear at the event, Scalise said that he thought he was going to be speaking at a conference of the ARLU, which is the Ayn Rand Liberties Union.
Though generally believed to be caused by changes of density and pressure in the Earth’s crust, GOP leaders say they are outraged that the President allowed such a thing to happen on American soil.
Voltaire retired to Wandsworth for a few months to brush up on his English so that he could chat with Pope, who usually talked in couplets.

Rupert Murdoch has confessed that The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.
The new disorders show the willingness of American psychiatry to see psychiatric disorders for what they are: renewable sources of billable hours.
(including Santa Claus and Sinterklaas comparison table.)
Greg Shapiro talks with Dan Geddes about The Satirist, digital privacy, Facebook, and Google.
I Wanna Hold Your Head, Shia Loves You and other classic hits
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.
The IRS stated that: Corporate persons generate far more jobs than unincorporated persons (so-called individuals), and thus are far more important to the economy.
Obama says ISIL, the Media ISIS. / Both sides agree that the world's in a crisis. / ISIL! ISIS! SCHMISIL! SCHMISIS! / Let’s call the whole thing off.
OMG! Did you hear? Potomac/Beltway VIPs are texting like crazy. Some are even phoning. This is a scoop of all scoops, hot and heavy with anger, as well as sex.
The first time I lost a kid, I felt real bad about it.
This decision will open the doors to other companies who will shed costly employee benefit programs by trusting in God instead.

computer passwords

Together, these three new passwords should form a complete sentence, with effective punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.

computer passwords

"It would be healthy for the economy."
Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

Robin Williams photo credit: Dan Dion

In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment the audience sees them.

This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
Once upon a past millennium, a group of North American Beavers who lived in the Upper Forest got together every year for their widely broadcast awards show.
"Above a vast new expanse of flat skin between his eyes and mouth, he’s telling us our noses will be next to go."
The atheist is my enemy, he knows nothing.
The Grand Budapest Hotel is one of Wes Anderson's best movies.
Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.
Why do I marvel when the faithless stray, / when friends whom I supposed completely safe / against belief go falling for a god?
Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.
The NSA has reportedly been overwhelmed by requests for copies of lost data from desperate individuals whose computer hard drives have crashed.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
"I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross...What has the Red Cross done lately?"
"No, they tell us, poets are just 'producing text.' / Egad! Can we survive beneath that hex?"
The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually unappreciated servants of humanity.
A Would-Be Bob Dylan Struggles With Anonymity
A 1984 for Our Time

High-Tech Saint Nick

"I used old maps—not GPS./ I got lost near France…or Siam."
"all smart investors seek the cutting edge; / the marketplace willl always let them know / which areas of suffering will grow.
Russell Shorto cherry-picks the most interesting characters and events from his research into the city's history.
Thomas Pynchon's funniest book!
Woody Allen's Streetcar Named Desire


Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.

World Leaders on summer break

Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
"Now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies."
For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.


Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.
Several of Zed's Facebook Friends have taken the time Like his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including Condolences, Zed's dead, and Sorry Dude!

EU flag

Saint EU is the first international organization to advance to sainthood. The Church waived the rule that prevents the process of canonization from beginning until five years after a candidate's death.

See all News


If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
"Somebody, somewhere, could just throw a switch, and we would all be mind-controlled. That's why I usually wear this tin-foil hat."
A new coterie of health experts are forging ahead with what is being called the self-punishment movement
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
The Third Leg sees Irving recycle his familiar themes.
Disney creates a beautifully animated rendition of the Biblical apocalypse.

Claude Roget
Claude Roget

Was one of the most influential philosophers of our time an audacious plagiarist?

See all Satires


The philosopher Zeno tries to get to a whorehouse. Can he ever get there?
"I was greatly upset as I read your last FAX,
that I owed many thousands of dollars in tax,"

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A young man attempts to achieve meaningful human contact with an eclectic set of people in a Florida bar.

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Jonathan Franzen's Freedom - cover

Freedom — Jonathan Franzen. Franzen solidifies his reputation with a worthy follow-up to The Corrections

The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid's Tale — Margaret Atwood. Negative Utopia as Polemic: Handmaid unabashedly places itself in the negative utopian tradition, and may have heralded the beginning of a new genre: the feminist negative utopia (or dystopia).

J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger. Future generations may never understand the unique affection Salinger's readers felt for Salinger and his characters.

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Genealogy of Morals book cover

The Genealogy of Morals — Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche's greatest work, featuring sustained arguments rather than incisive fragments.

Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl. Frankl's Logotherapy School (discovering our purpose heals us) was inspired by Frankl's own experience as a concentration camp survivor.

See all Philosophy reviews and essays


The Book of J

The Book of J — Harold Bloom. Genesis is great literature, not the intended foundation of world religions.

The Gnostic Gospels

The Gnostic Gospels — Elaine Pagels. Controversial history of early Christianity

See all Religion reviews and essays


Anxiety of Influence

The Anxiety of Influence — Harold Bloom. Only strong poets can overcome this anxiety of influence; lesser lights become derivative flatterers and never achieve poetic immortality for themselves.

The Conquest of Cool

The Conquest of Cool — Thomas Frank. 1960s Counterculture as unwitting shill for Madison Avenue. Were the Sixties a fraud?

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Nixonland — Rick Perlstein. Colorful, electric chronicle of the political history of 1964-72, and the Nixonian comeback (and repression).

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The Big Lebowski

The Big Lebowski (1998). Lebowski remains the Coen brothers' funniest movie.

Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane (1941). Orson Welles' classic satire about Hearst and media sensationalism is not the greatest movie of all time.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day (1993). Harold Ramis's It's a Wonderful Life.

Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction (1994). Pulp Fiction gives us violence in broad daylight, hip dialogue and circular structure.

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Smoking as Religion describes the similarities between smoking and religion.

Gossip as Social Currency Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.

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How to survive the Dutch winter - Darkness. Rain. Punishing winds. Gray skies. “Oh God, when will it end?” These are some of the words that come to mind when thinking of Dutch winters.

Learning Dutch describes one man's fledgling efforts to master the Dutch tongue.

See all Amsterdam articles

The Satirist - Complete Article List

The Satirist is so much more than just a great fake news site! It contains:

Get the Book! The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book (vol. 1)