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Dixit? South Carolina Votes to Leave European Union

11 August 2016

Confederate flag

While the rebel flag no longer flies there, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley says that the state has never considered itself part of the Union, European or otherwise.

COLUMBIA - Following a hotly contested statewide referendum, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley sent shock waves through international economies when she announced that South Carolina citizens, by a margin of over eighty-six percent, had voted to secede from the European Union.

Explained Governor Haley, “By this referendum, the citizens of South Carolina have made clear their refusal to continue to submit to the whims of a European order. South Carolina is not a colony. This decision empowers us to make the decisions that are best for us, rather than being constrained by a league of foreign nations - whose priorities, it’s become quite clear, differ greatly from our own.”

One particular area of conflict between South Carolina and the EU, noted Governor Haley, is the EU’s opposition to capital punishment. The death penalty is still in effect in South Carolina.

"Frankly," stated Governor Haley, "we here in South Carolina consider the death penalty part of our proud cultural heritage - not to mention our Second Amendment right to bear arms. Of course, in this case, our ‘arm’ happens to be a hypodermic needle jabbed into an arm or an electric chair. But the principle’s the same.”

For that reason, Haley contended, the EU’s prohibition on capital punishment is actually unconstitutional. “And we’re not going to let our fundamental rights be trampled on by the EU – or anyone.”

Haley added that South Carolinians also felt “extremely uncomfortable” with the EU’s pro-choice stance on abortion.

“The EU evidently values the lives of child molesters and murderers more than they do the lives of innocent unborn children,” the governor remarked dryly. “In South Carolina, on the other hand, we do oppose the death penalty – if only for the unborn.”

Many economists and political commentators have asked the question…why secede from the EU now?

“We in Dixie have a responsibility to stand up against injustice, and particularly injustice against ourselves. When we heard about the brave folks in England who finally stood up and declared they’d had enough of the EU, it got us scratching our heads – and we realized, you know what? So have we!”

Some have pointed out a key difference between Brexit and South Carolina’s EU secession, which some have dubbed “Dixit” or, less flatteringly, “Hixit”: unlike England, South Carolina is not, and never has been, a member of the European Union.

“Exactly,” responded Governor Haley. “We may have agreed to stop flying the rebel flag in South Carolina, but it still flies in our hearts. We’ve never considered ourselves part of the Union – European or otherwise. This recent referendum merely formalizes that position.”


Chrissy BensonChrissy Benson is a lawyer and writer living in New York City. Chrissy is a regular freelance legal writer for The Maryland Daily Record,  and her short stories and articles have been published in Romantic Shorts, AltVariety, The Binnacle, and Audio Arcadia. She is currently finishing up her first novel, which she aims to release….soon! A two-time marathon runner, Chrissy starts her days by the East River, where she runs every morning. She lives in Manhattan's East Village with her vegan cat, Sammy.