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Ronan Farrow, Nobel Prize Winner and Patriarchy Smasher, Dies at 80, October 18, 2068

Satchel Ronan O’Sullivan Farrow, mostly known as Ronan Farrow but sometimes known as Ronan Sinatra,[i] died peacefully Saturday in his office at The New Yorker. He was 80.

Born in New York City to actress Mia Farrow and alleged child molester Woody Allen, Farrow was a prodigy who graduated college at 15 and won a Pulitzer Prize at 30. Unbeknownst to most, however, Farrow’s work began much earlier. In the late 1980s, at age two, he nearly broke news of the Bill Cosby sex abuse scandal from his crib. Unfortunately, Allen found Farrow’s source notes on deep background hidden in a Snoopy coloring book, then used them as kindling to burn nude Polaroids of his future daughter-wife.

Although Farrow had long been in the public eye, he became a household name more than fifty years ago when he helped take down movie mogul and alleged sexual predator Harvey Weinstein. Although some badass women helped Farrow do it, back then no one thought to keep track of their names. [ii]

After Weinstein, Farrow moved on to prominent lawyers, media men, and judges. He nearly took down a Supreme Court nominee, and although Brett “Keg-Half-Full” Kavanaugh was ultimately confirmed to the high court, he was the last man ever appointed. The nine current female justices, including Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s great-granddaughter and Ruth Bader Ginsburg—now 135—all cringe at the memory of a male-dominated Court. “Before women ran things, bad behavior by men didn’t matter,” said the senior Ginsburg. “We gave sexual predators the White House and the black robes, allowing them to make important decisions regarding women’s rights and health. But once young Ronan started taking them down, he was unstoppable,” she continued, while holding a six-minute plank.

And Ginsburg is right—Farrow took down men in droves. He started with sexual assaulters and sexual harassers, and didn’t stop until he had exposed every last mansplainer and manspreader.

Farrow is best known for taking down Donald J. Trump, our country’s last male President, who was impeached after Farrow wrote an exposé about the four pee-tape participants. In an unexpected twist, the “golden showers” involved a Golden Girls fetish, and the pee issue was due to incontinence.

At 36 Farrow was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, because after all the men fell like old white dominoes, women ended the trade wars, the Palestinian war, the war on opioids, and the Kardashians’ war with everyone, all in the first six months. No man ever imagined how much multitasking could be done once women had all the seats at the table and no one talked over them when they spoke.

And sit at the table they did. Corporate board rooms, law firm conference rooms, the United Nations—all women. Hollywood’s production companies and the biggest names in journalism—apart from Farrow—women. The New York Yankees went all female in 2025.

Image credit: By Fuzheado – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=69632438

Farrow is also credited with making The New Yorker readable for the first time in its history. Previously it sold many copies, but mostly just as coffee table décor. People bought it to impress their friends while secretly reading Lauren Duca’s Teen Vogue articles.

In the decades since Farrow began breaking news, historians divided the world into two eras: B.R.—“Before Ronan”—and A.F.—“Anno Farrow,” colloquially referred to as “After they were all Fucked.” It was like a post-apocalyptic world for men, but instead of the end of the world, it was the end of their world domination. No longer did men control the White House, the congressional house, or their actual house—most in fact moved into former “She Sheds” in the backyard.

Farrow is indirectly credited with the men on Mount Rushmore being replaced by the women of Sex & the City, [iii] who first showed women they deserved better at the end of Season One when Carrie refused to get in the town car with Big. One of them even went on to become the first openly gay Secretary of State under President Kamala Harris.

Though a warrior for and among women, Farrow was also known for his strained relationship with Taylor Swift, whose career swiftly ended in 2020 when it became gauche to write songs about boys.

Farrow is survived by his partner, Jon Lovett, and barely survived all the men who blame him for the fall of the patriarchy.

In the end, of course, Farrow didn’t take down the men—they caused their own demise. [iv] Nor did he save the women. The women saved themselves by speaking out against abuse, being brave in the face of threats and intimidation, supporting each other, running for office, and showing up at the polls. [v] But Farrow was a friend and an ally to women in the dark days when many men turned a blind eye to sexism and Senator Lindsey Graham proposed legislation modeled after The Handmaid’s Tale. And so we stayed a friend to Farrow, allowing him to keep a seat at the table, an office at The New Yorker, and to work alongside the brilliant, unstoppable women who finally, belatedly, rose to power and saved the world.


[i] Like that one time, on Saturday Night Live, when Matt Damon played Brett Kavanagh. God damn, that was funny.

[ii] Just kidding. They were Jodi Kantor, Megan Twohey, and Jane Mayer. Women kept track of their names.

[iii] Oh relax!! This is fake news.

[iv] To be clear, not all the men besides Farrow were bad. Some of you were actually pretty decent. Too bad a few million bad apples ruined civilization for the rest of you.

[v] Seriously. SHOW UP AT THE POLLS!

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