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Poor Man Believes the American Empire Benefits Him Personally

10 June 2016

CLEVELAND – An unemployed man in Cleveland, Ohio believes that the US government’s vast overseas empire and interventionist foreign policy benefit him personally.

John Bauer, 59, of Cleveland hosts a weekly 30 minute public access TV show “USA All the Way,” where he propounds his belief that “America’s continuous wars since World War II benefit the working people of America as much as the military/industrial complex.”

Bauer stated: “Yes, while morally speaking I regret the violence that the U.S. government--from its 900 bases in more than 120 countries across the globe--continues to inflict upon innocent humanity. But that is the price we must pay in order to attain the amazing standard of living we enjoy here in the U.S. I may not have health insurance, savings, or a pension, but it’s still a great life.”

Bauer is vocal in his support of American wars abroad:  “We should support the President in waging war as much as possible. If I still earned enough income to pay taxes then I would want a lot of my tax dollars to go the military. Even if we have to borrow money from the Federal Reserve Bank to wage these wars, that’s fine. It’s what keeps our country number one. It’s what keeps us going.”

Bauer admitted that his annual income was only $13,000, and that he had no savings and debts of $85,000 stemming from a chronic medical condition he refuses to discuss.

“I can’t afford to go to the doctor anymore. But I have a nice TV, and I get to eat a lot of pizza.”

Bauer worked for twenty-five years as an engineer until his job was off-shored to India about three years ago. He has been unable to find work in Cleveland ever since.

Bauer also recently learned that his pension was stolen. “It’s not clear if it was Goldman Sachs or Deutsche Bank. It may take years to find out what happened to it. Someone invested my pension in a credit default swap and it melted down and then shattered into 1,000 pieces, each worth about one dollar, but it’s not clear who is responsible.”

“But I’m not bitter about it. If I can live to be 65, then I get Medicare insurance and I’ll go back to the doctor.”

“God bless America!” concluded Bauer.


Dan GeddesDan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist. In addition to satire, Geddes' serious criticism in The Satirist online has been widely cited in books, English courses, academic papers, newspapers, and websites. Geddes has written for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, the Dry Bones Review, and The Modern Word. His satirical work has also appeared in GlossyNews.com and HarryBalls.com.