by Boaz Dvir
If you’ve never received a stimulus check, you should?
- Vote Republican. It’s the Democrats’ fault
- Vote Democrat. It’s the Republicans’ fault
- Ask your boss for a salary decrease so you can qualify. It may ultimately leave less money in your pocket but it will alleviate your FOMO
- Protest peacefully in front of your area IRS office. Since the media cover unusual occurrences, you just might make the nightly news, cause an uproar, and receive more in donations from social media suckers than you’d ever get from the government
I bought GameStop at close to $500 a share. It’s now trading at around $100 a share. What should I do?
- You clearly bought when you were high, so now sell low
- Wait till it gets back to $500 a share, then buy more
- It doesn’t matter who or why. Just sue
- Go to GameStop and stand in a long line to buy “Werewolf: The Apocalypse—Earth-blood.” Oh, you went and there was no line? Maybe you should’ve visited this store before playing the Wall Street Roulette
I own no bitcoin. What should I do?
- Buy another cryptocurrency that hasn’t run up yet. We recommend pennyonthedollarcoin and forsuckersonlycoin
- Join a FOMO support group, if it’s not too late
- Sell your GameStop stocks, buy bitcoin, and spend it all at a Tesla dealership on a fraction of a Model 3. You’ll never be able to drive it but you’ll help Elon Mask compete with Jeff Bezos for the World’s Richest Man title
- Tell people you bought a bitcoin for $1 and sold it for $58,000, but only to people you trust not to report you to the IRS
When will the COVID crisis end?
- When people stop wearing masks, distancing socially, and acting all strange and stuff
- As if it ever really started. C’mon. Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers
- On a spring, summer, fall, or winter day in the 21st or 22nd centuries
- None of the above
- All of the above
- Neither of the above two answers and possibly one of the first three
Is Climate Change just a fad or is it here to stay?
- Just a fad: Soon this crazy winter will end and with it, all talk about climate change (at least until the scorching summer that awaits us)
- Both: It’s obviously trendy but, because it involves catastrophic, lethal weather, it just might stay on people’s minds longer than most fads
- Neither: It’s a figment of our imagination, which in itself is manifested from the computer simulation that is our “reality”
- Nothing is real, therefore everything is real and climate change is no different
- All or none of the above
Why did Kim Kardashian West and Kayne West break up?
- Their relationship went south
- Kim found out Kayne lied to her about winning the presidential elections
- Kim picked up the other line while Kanye was chatting with Trump
- Kanye learned that Kim has been talking about him behind his back on TV
Who will win the 2024 US presidential elections?
- Ted Cruz, on the promise to annex Cancun so all Americans, Texans included, can go there whenever they want and stay as long as they like
- Kamala Harris, on the promise to fix the problems caused by the Biden administration
- Donald Trump. This time, he’ll be the one stealing the ballots. No one will see it coming
- Kayne West. It’s his lone chance to win back Kim
Boaz Dvir is a Penn State assistant professor of journalism and an award-winning nonfiction storyteller. His latest book, “Saving Israel: The Unknown Story of Smuggling Weapons and Winning a Nation’s Independence,” was recently published by Rowman & Littlefield.