By Adam Braff
Thomas Kinkade’s pleas to be reincarnated have been refused by the Supreme Past-Life Council.
“We’ll never let that happen again!” said Lord Shiva on the steps of the Grand Palace this morning. “As long as I remain divine minister of the Creation/Destruction department, Thomas Kinkade will never be reincarnated!”
A close review by the Supreme Council concluded that the accomplishments of the deceased American artist during this recently completed lifetime amounted to, in the word of Lord Ganesh, “A Mass Skullf-cking” and should be considered accordingly for the good of the Universe.
On his own behalf, Kinkade argued that although he was indeed a bad, perhaps alcoholic painter/salesman notorious for others’ claims of his unsolicited fondling and public urination – his original intent was to be “Inspiring”.
In response, members of the Supreme Council had only to cite two of Kinkade’s best known atrocities: “Gazebo of Prayer” and “Cobblestone Mill”.
The decision calls for Thomas Kinkade, self-proclaimed “Painter of Light” to be banished to eternal, ironic darkness for all eternity.