America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Trumpís Last Rally
By Elaine Kendall
7 November 2016
So itís almost over, folks, and Iím keeping my promise to share some details about my first hundred days. You all know what I plan to do instantly, at 12:01 a.m., but itís time to tell you what my plans are after I abolish all medical care. Iím starting my own medical school, which wonít be a problem. I founded a university, so Iím simply adding a medical school to it. Iíll be accepting applications beginning January 21st. Iím interviewing potential faculty now, and believe me, Iím already swamped by requests from the greatest doctors, even though I havenít said a word about it until today.
Plan two is bringing back those millions of jobs we lost. Miners, I have great, great news for you. Youíll be back a mile or two underground before you know it. Coal is the best fuel there is. My plan is to clean it while itís still in the mine. I know thereís a cure for that old minerís ailment, black lung. Once the coal is scrubbed thoroughly, black lung wonít be a problem. There already is an inoculation for it, given free to all the Chinese miners, and Iím negotiating for their formula. If any of you think windmills and solar panels are the answer to energy, I have news for you. Windmills are ugly and make noise. Solar panels have to be replaced after a year or two, and what good are they when it rains? The lights will go out. Coal mining isnít heard by anyone but the miners, and they have helmets with earphones. They all listen to their favorite music from their cell phones.
My third plan is to jump start the auto industry, not jump start just one car at a time, as itís done now, but Iím doing it for the whole industry. Ford, General Motors, whatever else is left in the US. †What Iím going to do is make all those foreign cars right here in the USA. BMWs will become DJTs in a snap of my fingers. Mercedes is a name for foreign women; actually a Hispanic name, and Iíll replace that with my fantastic wifeís name, which also begins with the letter M. Better still, it ends with an A, which is what most cars do anyway. Instead of that stupid peace sign, there will be our monogram in a circle. I donít intend to stop with German cars. Weíll be making Lamborghinis, Ferarris, Maseratis, Rolls Royces and Bentleys too. All we need is a couple of models to copy. Iím not going to bother with French cars Most people now buy Japanese cars, and my plan for them is huge. Remember Pearl Harbor? I donít, because I wasnít born yet, but Iíve heard about it from my Generals. The best part of my auto industry plan is tearing up all trade agreements. The tax on Japanese cars will raise the cost so high that youíll be able to buy a USA made Bentley for the same price. Those Japanese cars will disappear in a week. Weíll do the same thing with Korean cars and theyíll vanish overnight. A Rear Admiral told me there was a Korean war too. And if you donít have experience in the auto industry. Iím planning vocational courses to teach it. Six weeks in my auto labor camps will teach you everything you need to know for a great, great job on the assembly lines. Itís like playing with extra-large Legos. Nothing to it. My ten-year old can build a car in a minute flat. Youíll learn to build roads and bridges in a different labor camp. †Youíll be digging great ditches in two hours. †
Plan four is agriculture. We need agriculture, but why are the people I see working in the fields not American? I want those jobs in the strawberry fields to be filled by Americans. The guys you can see from my 747, working on our farms, are going home as soon as theyíve picked those crops. From now on, American apples are going to be picked by Americans. You donít need a college degree to climb a tree. Plenty of fresh air, and no one cares if you eat a couple of strawberries or apples. Lettuce, tomatoes, a whole salad right there in the field. No need to stop for lunch.†
Plan five is making our army, navy and marines stronger and tougher. Youíve heard me talk about our weak armed forces. Iím re-instituting conscription, which will totally eliminate unemployment for men who donít want to be miners or auto workers. My forces will not have women. Women can perform other roles for the services but not in the services. Thereís a big difference. My army guys will get to keep their guns. The weak army weíve got now takes the rifles away after active duty. Can you believe how unfair that is? Years of service to their country and what do they get for it? The Second Amendment says we need a militia, but howís that supposed to work if the militia isnít armed? You tell me!
Plan six is to secede from the union if anything like a hurricane happens. Our enemies will have seeded the clouds. No worries. I have a fleet of floating buses on call.
Plan seven is Iíll have my own country and take you all with me. Put your hats and T-shirts in a bank vault. †Theyíll be worth hundreds of thousands someday!
A journalist and playwright, Elaineís books of American cultural history were published by Little, Brown, Putnam and Capra; her plays by Samuel French, Smith & Kraus and Art Age. Musical plays are An American Cantata; The Would-be Diva; Isadora! and COLE and WILL: Together Again! Non-musical dramas are The Chameleon; Two Margarets; The Trial of Mata Hari and The Nominee. The ďIĒ Word; Gun Show Follies and Secrets of the Showroom are short comedies. She has written for many national magazines; The New York Times and the LA Times. Current articles appear monthly in the aptly-named online journal The Satirist.