America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Student Interview at Princeton University

By Walter Bowne

Please have a seat, Jason.  So why do you want to come to Princeton?

The campus is just stunning. It resembles Hogwarts. When I was an adolescent, I remember seeing my feminine sibling crying when she got discarded. My mom was so thwarted.  On my fifth birthday, I received a Princeton banner, and my entire room is festooned with Princeton. Thatís been my aspiration of my existence ever since: get into Princeton. For each anniversary of my birth, my mom and I have partaken with expeditions to Princeton and had a profuse luncheon at La Mezzaluna, and then succulent ice cream anon at The Bent Spoon.

Oh, so Iím sure youíve been to the Princeton Art Museum.

You possess a museum?

So Jason, what do you like to do on a typical Saturday?

I wake up untimely, and my mom quizzes me on twenty lexicon terms during breakfast. If I get all of them right, she makes me pancakes. If I get two erroneous, I get sweltering oatmeal and toast, but if I get five wrong, I only get store brand Cheerios with no milk. If I get more than five wrong, I get no breakfast, but sometimes I filch from the felineís dish. Then I tramp off to SAT prep for six hours. Dinner is the same remuneration organization. But this occasion itís arithmetic. And then Mr. Nathaniel comes over for an hour, and we toil on misplaced modifiers and participles dangling.

What are the last three books you have read?

The Official SAT Study Guide, Cracking the SAT, and Dr. John Chungís SAT Math.

How about books for school? Any favorites in English?

Oh, for Independent Reading  I read A is for Admission: An Insiderís Guide into Getting into the Ivy League.  The plethora of personal stories of difficult toil and forfeit made me snivel at times. What offspring like us go through is simply astonishing. Weíre a lot like Olympic athletes, schooling our wits for the enormous show.

How about favorite fiction?

Oh, I loved Secret Society Girl: An Ivy League Novel. I know itís not Shakespeare, but I scrutinized it over the summer sabbatical when my mom took me for a two-week colloquium up in New England for rhetoric camp. Thereís only so much Plato and Socrates you can seize. I admit Iím a closet chick-lit aficionado. Itís superior to distinguish the accepted wisdom of girls.

How about classic books for school? Any favorites in your AP English class?

Oh, sure, rightÖ well, the Age of Innocence really stroked a nerve.

Why was that?

Well, the protagonist had so much divergence with the antagonist and the setting was affluent and the imagery was flamboyant and the climax was enthrallingÖ

What do you want to do after college?

After college? Never really reflected about after college. I identified I want to consider political science, and maybe law school down the thoroughfare. I got a LSAT manuscript for my birthday. My mom would adore law school. My dad abhors lawyers, though. My momís lawyer was a barracuda, and my dad lives in a trailer in Northern Michigan.

Who in your life has most influenced you?

My writing tutor Mr. Nathaniel. Heís such an astounding chap. He spends so much time with me. Itís almost like heís my father. He graduated from Harvard, and he gave me this great tome called 50 Greatest Ivy League admission essays.  

Whatís a problem spot in the world thatís a main concern of yours?

The interchange coming into the school is a real quandary. There is only one road in, and like, everyone gets to the academy around the same instance, and sometimes I require to park in the Boonies, and my homeroom sensei always marks me overdue, even though Iím only two minutes belated.

Can you tell me anything about the Arab Spring?

Well, uh, it must be stunning with lots of flora and foliage and emerald, verdant meadows.

Where do you get most of your news from?

My dadís email rants are always illuminative. Do you Obama wants to acquire my dadís gun compilation in his cellar? Youíd never hear from the media that Obama is a Marxist. My dad doesnít even want me coming to Princeton because he says New Jersey is way too liberal.

Do you agree?

Huh?

Do you agree thatís itís too liberal?

Well, liberal means a generous amount, right? Its synonyms are open-minded, broad-minded, laissez-faire, freethinking, and moderate. So yes, I would say New Jersey is all of them.

Thank you, Jason. Our conversation has been quiteÖ enlightening.