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Charity

Courtesy of The Portlander, Front Page, December 4, 2011

RE: Proclamation from the Mayor’s Office, Effective Immediately

Dear Fellow Citizens of Multnomah County,

Due to the recent post-Occupy Portland homeless “situation”, which has already been well documented in local and national media, and whose effects have been felt by commuters and our regional agencies alike, a bill was passed this morning to address our growing concerns for public safety and the conditions of our renowned park system. If you are unaware of what has occurred since the  protestors left Chapman Square peacefully last month, the homeless population,  have categorically taken over the two block park space between the courthouse and police station left vacant by the Occupy movement. The once-vibrant grass has browned and died, which both damages the face of our “green” city and stretches the Parks Department’s dwindling budget. Our budget for waste removal has also exceeded all expectations. A lice infestation has grown to hitherto unknown proportions, and rats, usually left to their sewers and riverside canals, have been spotted in nearby restaurants and public institutions.

To curb this epidemic, today’s bill, effective immediately, allows all citizens of our county to set fire to the self-entitled homeless for the limited duration of three months. Matchbooks, bottles of lighter fluid, and kindling will be made available for free, 24 hour pick up at selected public institutions, including but not limited to the police station, Department of Motor Vehicles, and most post offices. We hope this bill will incur the additional benefit of staving off this record-breaking cold winter, especially for the less fortunate among us.

John Williams