America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
The Story of Adam and Steve
And lo! Adam and Steve stayed in the Lord’s marvelous penthouse and the décor was impeccable. The drapes matched the furniture, there was progressive (but not overbearing) art on the walls and there was an absolutely exquisite Persian rug on the living room floor.
2. Adam and Steve were naked but they were not ashamed. There was state of the art exercise equipment in the rec room. They both had fabulous bodies.
3. And they had the run of the house. The Lord was often away on “business” and He said unto Adam, “Take care of my things. Be sure to water the plants and clean out Mister Cuddles’ box every day or he will piss on the bed. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge”.
4. But there was one thing the Lord strictly forbade. The remote control. He said unto Adam, “Thou shalt not touch the remote for if ye do. You shall surely cry”.
5. And lo! The Lord went away on business and Adam and Steve enjoyed spent their days in luxury and joy.
6. Then the doorbell rang and Steve told Adam, “Do not worry sweet one. I will get it.
7. At the door was a two-headed-two-bodied missionary dressed in a white shirt and a black tie. They came to beguile them with some crazy stories they had heard.
7. Both bodies and heads were shocked to see that Steve was naked but one of them felt Joy.
8. And Steve let them in for he was beguiled. He knew that the one body and the one head felt Joy. He detected it with his Gaydar.
9. So Steve let them in and sat with them on the sofa while the one head and the one body who felt Joy told him silly stories. The other head and the other body who did not feel Joy fiddled nervously with the remote control.
10. “Stop!” Steve commanded the other head and the other body. “The Lord has commanded thou shalt not touch the remote or thou shalt surely cry!”
11. But the other head and the other body said unto Steve, “Ye shall not surely cry. For the Lord doth know when ye take the remote, your eyes will be opened and ye shall be as Americans: Distracted with all sort of banality.”
12. And when he saw that the remote was harmless, Steve took it and pressed a button.
13. And lo! The television came to life with sounds and visions and Steve’s eyes were opened. He gave the remote to Adam who changed the channel and both their eyes were opened wider when The Lord appeared on the screen.
14. “Homosexuality is an abomination!” The Lord shouted and was met with thunderous applause. “It is a SIN in the eyes of the church!”
15. And both Adam and Steve’s were opened and they realized they were naked; and they tore down the matching curtains, and made themselves aprons; and they hid from each other; for they were ashamed.
16. Then the Lord returned saying unto Adam and Steve, “Hello my darlings! Where art thou?” but then He found the television on and he cried out to Adam who was desperately trying to cover his magnificent body. “Who told you to touch the remote and what the fuck did you do to my drapes?!”
17. “It was Steve! It was Steve that did it!” and Steve emerged clinging to his drape “It was the two headed two bodied missionary. They beguiled me and I did touch thy remote!”
18. And the Lord turned to the two headed two bodied missionary and said unto them, “Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all human kind, in your face the door shall slam for all your days!”
19. And lo! The two headed two bodied missionary were chased out and from then on they went door to door trying to tell their silly stories only to have every door slam in their face.
20. “Out! OUT!” The Lord commanded Adam and Steve. “Henceforth ye shall live a life of shame, frustration and self denial!”
21. And so it was that Adam and Steve left the Penthouse wrapped in drapes and crying.
22. And having learned from television that homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of the church, Adam and Steve parted ways even though they loved each other. They knew not to question the church’s eyes even though the church was very elderly and surely needed glasses.
23. And lo! They each found jobs and got married.
24. Adam had four children and founded an outreach group to help “confused” men become “straight”. He also put on seventy pounds preferring television to exercise and he became an alcoholic.
25. Steve found employment handling foreclosures for a major bank. He found some small enjoyment in throwing people out of their homes. Though he was married with two children, he still sought pleasure from men; mostly from anonymous men he discovered on craigslist.
26. Steve handled Adam’s foreclosure though he secretly missed handling his foreskin.
25. They have not spoken since.
By J.P. Whipple
Musician, Writer and Vagabond