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World Leaders Vow to Resume Screwing Up the World after Summer Break

13 August 2013

World Leaders on summer break

GENEVA Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.

"The world community has had a nice six-week break from our destructive policies," said an anonymous official for the European Central Bank. "But now it's almost time for us to get back to work, toying with with the economies of the Euro zone."

"People have grown indifferent to the many financial crises: Cyprus, Greece, Portugal. We will have to make things much worse just to produce the same level of general despair as before. It's exhausting."

Wallace White, a spokesman for the Federal Reserve Bank, agreed. "We find it odd that the whole world isn't obsessed more with our policies. We will have to take everyone on a wild ride in order to get the sort of attention that we crave."

"Will we raise interest rates? Will we taper our quantitative easing policy, or were we just kidding to spook the markets? Boo! Ha ha. It's all I can think about."

"We are amazed that more people still do not worry about these things on daily basis. Clearly, we are not receiving enough of the world's attention. But we vow to re-double our efforts starting in September."

"Misgoverning the world takes a lot more energy than people imagine," said Hiram Jeffries, a correspondent for International Affairs magazine.

"Many of the world's most powerful people are actually depressed that their real influence isn't known; that they aren't as famous as athletes or movie stars," according to Jeffries.

"But the elite will feel more relevant again in September when the next financial and world crises are announced in the media."

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