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Turd Terrorist Hits Popular Water Park
The Comstock Mine Track has seen its share of runs and rushes, but it has never seen such a load until now.
For the third time this season Alpine Meadows Water Park in Grandville, CO has been soiled in what now has been called a growing trend of “turd terrorism.”
A twelve-year-old boy has been arrested and released into his parents’ custody, awaiting a psychological evaluation. He has been charged with “deliberately defecating on water rides in order to cause civil unrest.”
there are reputedly links to other cases around the country as well, including suspicious ties to social media outlets. And it may not just be contained to water parks.
Yesterday, the popular water ride Comstock Mine Track was closed for over an hour while crews cleaned, scrubbed, and sanitized.
“We get this a lot,” said lifeguard, Lisa Leonard. “It’s mostly little kids who tear off their swimming diaper, but it’s the first time we had an older boy take a deliberate dump. And not just once, but four times. This was no accident. He’s a literal poop machine,” she said.
Season-pass holder Susie Jenkins was trying to avoid the spray from water guns when she suddenly saw the piece of crap racing along the current next to her daughter. “It was too large to come from a baby,” she said. “It was disgusting.”
Another rider on The Prospector’s Bowl claimed she shared a tube with the turd all the way to the bottom. “I couldn’t believe it stayed together the whole way down,” she said. “I took a sharp curve, and there it was, right next to me. Now I know what toilet paper feels like going down the drain.”
She was amazed that the turd did not break down. “It was, like, made out of cement.” A rider on Cogway Racer claims he was racing against “a rather large load.” How it got there in Lane 5 was beyond him. “We’re dealing with a highly motivated feces fanatic,” he said. “Everyone’s afraid of what’s in the water. It makes you want to avoid water parks, and just enjoy splashing in your own bathtub.”
Tommy Tennet was enjoying his ride on King Rattler with his family when he spotted the boy dropping something large and brown into the water. “There’s this stretch of calm water before the final plunge,” he said, “and that’s when I saw the boy do his business. I was like, ‘where is his mom’? I immediately contacted the lifeguard.”
All of the closed rides are next to each other. As one ride reopened, another closed. Tommy Tennet then directed officials to the twelve year old who was spotted leaving the bathroom. There was also speculation that the boy snuggled pre-made “poop bombs” into his swim trunks that were sealed in Zip-lock bags. Officials wouldn’t comment on the Zip-lock theory, but added there were following all trails.
Tennet, however, swore he saw what could only be “baggy paraphernalia” wedged out of the boy’s yellow Bermuda trunks. The parents of the twelve year old would not respond to questions, but only said that they “love their only boy” and “have done everything possible to make him happy.” The boy was allegedly alone on the rides while his parents reportedly enjoyed cold beverages in The Old Saloon. Whether the beverages were alcoholic is unknown.
The boy would not release a comment, but did post online, perhaps just prior to his arrest, the phrase “faex successful. LOL!!!” Officials have speculated that the term ‘faex’ is the Latin singular for the word faeces, or dregs.
“Any idiot can seem like a genius with Wikipedia these days,” one official said. Even if the Zip-lock bag proves wrong, one gastroenterologist says it’s quite easy to pre-load. “Let’s just say the kid, in a premeditated move, ate a bag of prunes, and then loaded up on beans and rice, say at Taco Bell, and then keep himself from defecating for a day,” Dr. Gollapadink said. “It’s highly possible.” He added that the boy could simply squeeze enough out and then tighten his sphincter, much like the analogy to a tube of icing.
“An inordinate dose of excrement could very well emanate from such a small boy,” he said. “The human body is capable of amazing feats, even if it seems disgusting to the general public.”
One man drying off near the Goldmine lockers said the boy probably saw too Caddie Shack too many times. If it happens in the movies, it’s funny. When it happens during my daughter’s only day of fun during the summer, it’s just awful. “How would you feel if you just paid $47.95 to swim next to someone’s crap?”
One park official, speaking anonymously, claimed that water parks all over the country have been battling against the perceived notion that water parks are dirty. The official cited shows like South Park have popularized the “water parks as public toilets” idea. As a public safety announcement, signs are posted around the park about water cleanliness.
“We do our best to keep the rides clean,” Park President John Gleam said. “But it’s hard to keep it clean, when someone deliberately defiles the rides. This is just not a case of a little pee-pee in the water.”
He said that for some reason boys think poop jokes are funny. “You know the old song, ‘When you’re walking the hall, and you feel something fall, diarrhea, diarrhea.’ It’s really not that funny. But some kids just never grow up. This was a joke that went too far.”
One psychologist Dr. John Gettold said the child was probably seeking attention. He drew the comparison of babies who draw on the walls with their excrement. “It’s ready made artistic material,” he said. “And to a child, there’s nothing that ethically wrong with using your own feces for art. Society hasn’t told the child it’s wrong to see your poop as Crayola.” Dr. Gettold said the child was probably in suspended adolescence, a creative child just trying to show the world what he can do, and sometimes creating a massive amount of stool is simply amazing.
“He would really well grow up to be quite the artist,” he said. “As long as he gets the help that he needs to transition into manhood.”
Officials worry that water parks are now the “creative” outlet: to see how many rides you can close in order to have bragging rights.
But one father said the only help the boy needed was a good old-fashioned spanking. “Here’s a kid who probably was never told no,” the father said. “Well, my no would be a swift kick up his anus.” Park officials may also seek financial damages against the family. “We took a pretty big hit,” President Park Gleam said. “Park attendance has been off, like by 25%. Are they linked? I think so.”
It’s not just park officials who are concerned. “If stupid, adolescent boys can get through security with pre-made bags of shit, what else can bring in?” Assistant Chief Deputy Acting Operating Officer of Stateside Security Central-West Mountain Division Sam McDaniel said. “If they can smuggle a bag of crap in their baby sister’s diaper, what else can go in there? A Zip gun? A Saturday Night Special?”
The Facebook group called JustCrapIt, with reportedly 2,502 members, all seemingly white males between the ages of 10 and 14, is under investigation by Stateside Security for what the agency calls “homegrown fecal terrorism.” McDaniel said it wouldn’t be out of the question to have super-sniffing dogs posted at the park gates to prevent crap from getting in.
“We need to take precautions to safeguard the public health,” he said. “If a dog has to sniff my ass to make sure I’m not packing anything in order to ensure my happy day at the park, well, then that’s the price we pay in this day and age.”/p>
Much like tagging as graffiti artists, these “boy crap artists” take pictures of their stool in the most unusual places: in a booth at Wendy’s, on school’s lunch table, in the middle aisle of a plane. The pictures are then rated for the difficulty and creativity. “It’s amazing the filth that’s posted,” McDaniel said. He pointed to one picture online. “What is so funny about crap inside a Barbie box at Walmart? Does someone think that’s funny?”
Beyond the public safety issue, and the spread of contagious diseases is also a concern. “God only knows what bacteria is crawling around the anuses of these boys. Have you seen what they eat?” In another case, nearby in a suburban Denver park, Jan Lukin was bringing her daughter into the bathroom of her local park in suburban Denver to wash her face, when suddenly in the sink was this massive pile of crap. “It looked like that mountain in that movie Close Encounters,” she said. “What can you say to your daughter when she asks, ‘Mommy, why is there a big mound of poopie in the sink?’”
Officials also hope that copycat dumpers will not become problematic. Said McDaniel: “The last thing we need in this country is a string of young boys who thinks it’s fun to dump and ditch.”