America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
U.S. Senatorís Letter to Iran Allegedly Self-Plagiarized
18 March 2015
DARDANELLE, AR - Senator Tom Cotton may have a history of sending out ill-conceived, pedantic letters.
Adding fire to the controversy of Cottonís letter to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran, evidence has surfaced that in addition to treason, the senator may also be guilty of self-plagiarism.†
Spanky Walton, retired principal of Dardanelle High School, read the text of the Senatorís letter yesterday and recalled that he had read a similar letter before.† Reviewing some of his old files, Mr. Walton came across the following letter from a young Tom Cotton:
An Open Letter to the Principal of Dardanelle High School
It has come to my attention while listening in on your phone calls to my mom and stepdad that you may not fully understand some basic family constitutional factoids.† Thus I am writing to bring your attention two of them:
First, Bruce is not my dad.† He is just some weirdo my mom had an infatuation with a few years ago and in one of her moments of poor judgment married him.
Second, Iím 18-1/2 years old.
What these two constitutional provisions mean are:
(a) Bruce canít speak on my behalf and agree to extend my detention for exercising my First Amendment rights on the wall of the boys bathroom; and
(b) even though I have just started my first year in high school and could stay pretty much forever, Iím signing up to go to Iraq.† So whatever you and Bruce say about my detention isnít worth the toilet paper itís printed on.
I hope this letter enriches your knowledge of my familyís constitution and puts these stupid negotiations about my detention to rest.
Senator Cotton was unavailable for comment.
Elliot Scott is a management consultant specializing in sales force effectiveness and sales compensation. He can be reached at email@example.com.