America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Syria Banned from Eurovision Song Competition
By Dan Geddes
WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration today restated its position that "Syria should never be admitted to the Eurovision Song Contest as long as President Assad remains in power."
President Hollande of France gave strong support to the US's hard-line against Syria, stating: "France has drawn a line in the sand and will resist any Syrian attempt to enter Eurovision with an iron fist."
Reputedly, Syria has been trying to enter the televised song contest for years, knowing Eurovision's central place in global culture outside the United States.
Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.
The Syrian Minister for Culture, Hassim Ali, stated that: "It is not fair that we are not allowed to send our best pop kitsch band 'Kasbah Babies' to Eurovision. Israel and Azerbaijan get to go to Eurovision every year, why not Syria? We share a border with Israel. Jordan is eligible and they're not even on the Mediterranean."
"Damascus is the oldest inhabited city in the world. We are very civilized. The whole world will love 'Kasbah Babies.' I promise you. The lead singer looks just like Miley Cyrus. Except she's Syrian. And she doesn't twerk."
Secretary of State John Kerry stated that: "At this point, the world does not trust the opinion of the Syrian government about anything, especially about what constitutes the best pop song in Europe. The United States government has serious reservations about the catchiness and musical merit of the Syrian pop group 'Kasbah Babies.' And their lead singer looks nothing like Miley Cyrus. That is another Syrian lie."
"However, in the tragic event that Syria's Assad government falls due to some unforeseen happenstance, we would be willing to review our position on Syria's eligibility for Eurovision."
"We would like the Syrian people to consider these facts while considering who to support in the Syrian civil war."