America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Mitt Romney Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
By Dan Geddes
The Committee for the Nobel Peace Prize stunned the world today by granting its prestigious award to Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney.
“Never before has a rich, white Mormon run for the Presidency of the United States on a major party ticket,” stated Nobel Peace Committee chairman Niels Boorman.
“Just as President Obama’s election in 2008 inspired the world that the US could elect a non-white President, now millions are inspired by Governor Romney’s ground-breaking run as the first Mormon presidential candidate.”
“People around the world have wondered for how long America would discriminate against people with unusual religious beliefs. Romney’s candidacy shows that you can believe anything you want, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to others, and still run for President and even be taken seriously. Millions of people with beliefs that are ridiculed by others have taken solace in Governor Romney’s campaign. And his ideas, whatever those may be.”
“Regardless of whether Romney wins or not, his campaign has inspired millions around the world to savor their freedom to believe in magic underwear, masonic rituals, baptism of the dead, and other ideas—all written down by a man who claimed to have used magic glasses to translate his Book of Mormon from golden plates written in an undecipherable language into English.”
Boorman, of course, was referring to Joseph Smith (1805-44), the founder of Mormonism. A charismatic man, Smith himself ran for President in 1844, but was killed by an angry mob. (Despite his many unusual beliefs, Smith at least had the decency to advocate a strong central bank.)
“Just as in 1846 when the great Mormon leader Brigham Young led his people from Missouri to Utah, where he could sleep with the most desirable of his fifty-five wives beyond the reach of the US government, so Governor Romney leads the Mormon people to the very center of power,” Boorman concluded. “It’s an inspiring story.”
Romney’s pioneering campaign has reassured millions of people who are happy that Mormons are now full-fledged citizens, breaking through the fabled “Mormon glass ceiling.” Despite the vast wealth of the Mormon Church, and their control of powerful hotel chains where people sleep comfortably without fear of being monitored in their rooms by hidden cameras, never before have so many Americans felt so comfortable to have a man with Romney’s Mormon beliefs in the Oval Office.
Sadly, even today after the Nobel announcement, not all US citizens are comfortable with Mormon beliefs.
“Mormonism is such a cult. I’m so glad I got out,” said Sarah Wilson, 44 of Santa Fe.
“I gave so much money to that church; they have so many weird ideas. It’s so great to finally be away from of the cults. Now I’m safe in the loving arms of the Roman Catholic church, which thankfully shows no signs of being a cult.”