America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Inside Trader Sentenced to His Mansion in Mali for One Year
Hector Shroff, a vice president at Sacks, Gold & Poen, has just been sentenced to one year house arrest for insider trading. Shroff will be forced to stay on the grounds of his estate in Mali for an entire year.
Shroff, with an estimated net worth of $200,000,000, pleaded guilty to insider trading, for selling an unnamed social networking stock with inside information.
Many famous people wrote to the judge on behalf of Shroff, including Bill Gatekeeper, former chairman of Monopoly Software, and Lady Gaggag, the popular pop singer and shock artist. Gatekeeper and Gaggag, as well as Shroff’s lawyers, all argued that Shroff was a “world-class philanthropist” and it would be a “waste of human potential for Shroff to rot away behind bars when he could be putting his networking ability to good use for the service of humanity. “
Judge Littlefeather, who recently sentenced another banker to five years’ hard time in Hawaii making smoothies for tourists, sentenced Shroff to one year confinement in his two-hundred room mansion in Mali. According to Littlefeather, Shroff is allowed to utilize his entire service staff of twenty-one employees during his forced confinement.
Littlefeather’s one condition was that Shroff put his “networking genius to work, in order to arrange IMF loans for the good people of Mali in order to foster their future development.”
Later that day, Judge Littlefeather sentenced another defendant to life in prison for stealing a piece of pizza, because it was his third offence.
Shroff will run his large plantation, where 500 local Malian people will work on his land.
Shroff’s lawyer Tom Screwall was pleased with Littlefeather’s verdict. “This was a just verdict. Hector Shroff is creating jobs for the good people of Mali. I’m sure that after his one year hard time, he will return to Sacks, Gold & Poen, where he would never even dream of insider trading ever again.”