America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
European Union Declared a Saint
By Dan Geddes
The Vatican today stunned the world by declaring the European Union to be a saint, effectively immediately.
Vatican spokesman Hermann Sisler declared: “More than any individual person in recent history, living or dead, the European Union has spread the message of peace, hope, and charity through the world. And besides, they really need the money.”
For the first time ever, the EU’s sainthood also comes with a 10 million euro prize.
“Saint EU” is the first international organization to advance to sainthood. The Church waived the rule that prevents the process of canonization from beginning until five years after a candidate's death.
The EU is not technically dead yet, according to most political experts.
The surprise announcement comes soon after the European Union being named for the Nobel Peace Prize.
“We are proud to officially declare the European Union to be a saint,” Sisler continued. “With its size and potential for good will, Saint EU dwarfs the power of any one person, such as Mother Theresa, to do good deeds.”
“In the modern world, international organizations alone possess the power, connections and resources to undertake meaningful projects for the common good of humanity. Compared to that, individuals just can’t make a real difference in our globalized world.”
But Sisler denied rumors that the IMF and the World Bank were also being considered for sainthood.
“Not at this time. But the UN and WTO are serious candidates for the near future,” stated Sisler.
EU critics thought the award ridiculous.
Nigel Herring of the UK stated: “This is crazy. Just like the EU Nobel Peace Prize. Sainthood is supposed to go to individuals. Dead people. The European Union is not only not a person; it’s not even a country.”
“And it’s not really the case that EU has somehow kept the peace in Western Europe since World War II. It’s really been NATO. With American troops on the ground in Germany, the Germans have not been able to invade France or partition Poland for a fifth time or whatever. (Though the “Ode to Joy,” the EU national anthem, seems like suitable music for such undertakings.)”
“And those expansionist Belgians have been kept in check as well, except for the fact that they somehow ended up with the capital city of Europe. Very suspicious.”
“But in the end, the EU’s attempts to keep the euro going may prove to be quite divisive. I fear how the end game for the euro could play out,” said Herring.
“It might have made sense to give the prize to the European Coal and Steel Community in the 1950s for tying these economies together after the war, but the EU has inherited a situation conducive to peace in Western Europe. It’s not like there were wars that the EU prevented,” concluded Herring.
Vatican spokesman Sisler concluded: "We have long believed that the twelve stars on Saint EU's flag represent a halo as seen from above. Now our belief has been realized."