America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Davos Billionaires “Underappreciated by the 99.999%”
31 January 2014
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND – The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually “unappreciated servants of humanity.”
“People don’t realize how difficult it is to gather in an isolated Swiss resort and reshape the world in our own image,” said Jean Godot of the Bank of International Settlements in Basel.
“If only the billions of starving, illiterate people in this world would send their ideas to us, we would seriously consider their suggestions from the comfort of our palatial Swiss mountain fortress. We genuinely wish to use our wealth and positions of influence to build a more just and equitable world.”
“It’s such a pity that the billions of low-income people around the world have difficulty articulating their needs with one voice,” lamented Godot. “We find it difficult to determine exactly how we could help them.”
The agenda for this year’s WEF conference is "The Reshaping of the World: Consequences for Society, Politics and Business."
“We are trying our very best to redistribute wealth to the lower classes,” said Franz Gruber of the Bundesbank. “However, it remains difficult. Many individuals from the so-called ‘unwashed masses’ are very poor money managers. They buy lottery tickets. They eat processed foods laced with chemicals that make them sick. They believe in stock tips that they see on television. They allow unscrupulous bankers to manage their pensions. So it’s almost impossible to lift them from their lowly station.”
“Yet we retain a genuine love for this so-called ‘couch potato’ class,” said Gruber. “They remain the backbone of our globalized labor force. We still find their services to be useful. Robots will not be able to replace them for another fifteen years or so. So they still have a voice.”
Davos attendees enjoyed the rare opportunity to dine on the last known specimens of a rare species of Austrian pheasant. Vegan attendees were offered virgin Mariana trench seaweed marinated in a 3D-printed truffle sauce. Others drank from a $75,000 bottle of 1938 Château Lafite Rothschild, documented to have been stored in Stalin’s private wine cellar during the 1945 Yalta Conference.
American billionaire J.P. Munster explained: “My friends sometimes ask me: ‘why do you go to Davos? Is it for the exquisite food, excellent skiing, and beautiful assistants? Or is it to work with other members of an international cabal to attempt to control the world?’ Of course not. We are hard-working servants of humanity. We feel underappreciated by the 99.999%. Nobody pays me to come here. I come at my own time and expense.”
“Poets are the true unacknowledged legislators of the world, as Shelley wrote so long ago. Not us billionaires,” Munster explained.
“We only do this until the general will has made itself crystal clear to us and then we allow the money and power to trickle back down to the human cattle of the world, where it belongs.”