America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Amish NYPD Officer Tickled at Chance to Shun Mayor

10 January 2015

Amish cop

NEW YORK – In a stunning display of solidarity and disrespect toward New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio, the New York Police Department again turned their backs on De Blasio outside of the funeral of a fallen officer on Sunday, to the utter delight of one young officer.

Beat cop Isaac Hochstetler, a probationary officer of Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, relished the opportunity to shame someone by showing his back to them.

“I was very much in my element; I loved it.”

When asked to elaborate, Hochstetler explained, “Well, my people are pacifists, so much of what this job entails is still very foreign to me – stop and frisk, paramilitary tactics, killing unarmed black people…but when the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!

When you feel that righteous rush of the shunned person passing behind you, their shame seems to strengthen the bond you have with the brethren at your side.”

Officer Hochstetler admits the motivation for the gesture is quite different than his previous experience shunning members of his Amish community in Southeastern Pennsylvania, “I guess Amish offenses are more practical. When I was twelve, we shunned one fellow for refusing to help build Uncle Isiah’s barn. Then, when I was about sixteen, I got to do it again when our neighbor was caught reading the Old Testament on a Kindle. As a rule we don’t shun someone for making a comment we don’t agree with, but you English have your own customs.”

 

Dave Norton enjoys long walks on the beach, dinner by candlelight, and quality satire about the world around us. Follow him on Twitter @TESOL_Dave