WASHINGTON—Al Gore ended months of speculation today by announcing his vice-presidential running mate, President Bill Clinton.

Trailing Republican candidate George W. Bush by approximately 10 percentage points in recent polls, Gore cited Clinton’s strong appeal among women and African-American voters. Gore even offered, once elected, to resign the Oval Office and let Clinton serve the first two years of his term as President, as is allowed by the 25th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. "Then Bill could nominate me as Vice-President, resign after two years, and I would serve as commander-in-chief for two years. Then I could run as the incumbent in 2004."

LAS VEGAS—Las Vegas developer Mordred Dreyfuss announced his plans today to break ground for the city’s newest hotel, the Niagara Falls. Due to open in 2004, the new hotel will feature a towering replica of Niagara Falls, complete with actual water falls.

Upon being asked about the wisdom of building a hotel of such a water-intensive theme with full knowledge that Las Vegas is projected to run out of water by 2007, Dreyfuss lashed out against "doomsday wackos." "Vegas will get water one way or another," affirmed a confident Dreyfuss. "Even if we have to kill someone," he chortled.

Las Vegas, a desert metropolis of more than a million people, shares the Colorado River, with much of the American Southwest, including Los Angeles and Phoenix. The heavily siphoned Colorado no longer flows to the sea.

BUFFALO—After years of speculation, rumors that the classic folk song "Puff The Magic Dragon" contains allusions to marijuana use, seem confirmed today, after a Buffalo woman found a scrap of paper believed to be penned by the song’s author, Peter Yarrow, of the folk group "Peter, Paul and Mary."

Martha Allen, 59, found the scrap inside a battered copy of The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test she had just purchased in a Buffalo used bookstore. The document, which a handwriting expert has already confirmed to be Yarrow’s, contains an incriminating fifth verse to the children's classic, wherein:

"Little Jackie Paper /rolls jointly with our Puff/ Jackie's scorched into a roach / while Puff yearns for more stuff. (Repeat Chorus)

Yarrow, who has always maintained the song’s child-like innocence, was unavailable for comment.

NEW YORK—Capitology, a religion founded in 1987 by Anton Leday, is now the fastest growing religion in the U.S., according to CultWatch, a mainstream Christian publication.

Capitologists worship a powerful force, called variously "The Force," or "The Market." During Capitology services, the "Manager" of the service will frequently intone: "Let The Market Decide," to which the followers reply: "Amen."

Capitologists believe in the sacredness of human trade, and use an elaborate, quasi-sexual symbology to represent economic transactions. The religion's central symbol is of a hand holding a bill of currency—but it is clearly derived from the Hindu lingam, the holy union of male and female genitalia. Capitologists celebrate five holidays, known as Q1 (March 31), Q2 (June 30), Quarter3 (September 30), Quarter4 (December 31), and Christmas Eve, the holiest day on the Capitologist calendar.

Capitologists are not tithed, but are encouraged to make an annual donation sometime before the so-called Day of Reckoning (April 15th), a day marked by weeping, gnashing of teeth, and highly ritualized protestations of poverty.

The number of Capitology followers grew last year from 893 to 5,617—a nearly sevenfold increase. Capitologists recruit most new followers through their high performance MarkCap™ no-load mutual fund, which earned its investors returns of 67.8% in 1999. Capitology’s non-profit status was affirmed by the Supreme Court in a landmark 1994 decision, Bupkiss vs. Pangreve.

PHILADELPHIA—In a heated Presidential Election year, the Republicans have established a platform of "moral superiority" over the Democrats.

"It is clear that the Democrats represent moral degeneracy, while the Republicans represent Christian morality," said Republican delegate from Florida, Charles Cheaney. "I mean, look at what Clinton did while in office to that young girl. A Republican would never do that. And Gore’s just dying to get in there and do the same thing."