The Satirist - May 2004 News

9/11 Commission is Fair and Honest

WASHINGTON - The 9/11 Commission is "fair and honest," according to a study done by the newly-formed Commission to Investigate the 9/11 Commission (CITC). Reports that the Commission allowed the FBI to stifle key witnesses, or are failing to answer questions posed by the victims’ families are unfounded according to the CITC. Nor are members of the 9/11 Commission involved in any conflicts of interest. CITC is chaired by Vice President Dick Cheney.

US Denies that Mililtary Draft is in the Works

WASHINGTON - Bush Administration officials today admitted that it would be "incredibly stupid" to admit that the Administration was working behind the scenes to start up the military draft in an election year. "Voters don’t like the draft," said one official, on condition of anonymity. "So we’re not stupid enough to admit it." The Bush Administration’s artful handling of this issue has not prevented some media personalities to openly predict the draft for 2005, after the election.

US Military Considers Plans for Invading The Netherlands

WASHINGTON - The Pentagon today reasserted its self-declared right to invade The Hague, the political capital of the Netherlands, and home to the International Criminal Court.

In August 2002, Congress had passed the so-called “Hague Invasion Act,” which asserted the right of the US to invade the Hague, should the newly-created International Criminal Court ever hold an American servicemen in custody. Although the act received scant coverage in the American media, it was considered newsworthy in The Netherlands.

Although Pentagon spokesman admitted that an actual invasion was “unlikely,” the Joint Chiefs of Staff still have prepared several scenarios for subduing the Dutch army, should it withdraw from Iraq or Afghanistan.

Prostitutes Win $4.3 Million Suit Against Screenwriter's Guild

LOS ANGELES - 5200 American prostitutes sued the Screenwriter's Guild of America for its relentless use of the word 'whore' in "a defamatory and prejudicial way."

"We’re thrilled with the result," stated a triumphant Madeleine Brighton, spokesperson for Sexworkers Against Defamation (SAD), a prostitutes’ advocacy group. "Thousands of sex workers said ’enough is enough’. And now screenwriters who write dialog using the word ’whore’ will have to first think about it twice."

Editor’s Note:

All news items are works of parody. We do not agree with all of the views expressed on the websites linked above, but only offer them as wacky alternatives to the ceaseless propaganda of FOX/CNN/ABC/CBS/NBC and their corporate media ilk.