Election 2004: Bush Still Deciding On Percentage He Should Win Election By

WASHINGTON. With paperless touch screen voting machines such as Diebold’s safely in place in many states, the Bush camp’s biggest decision for this November is determining their margin of victory. According to one unnamed administration source: "At some meetings Karl Rove gave PowerPoint presentations weighing the pros and cons of a Bush landslide." Despite official public opinion polls showing a close November election, the Bush camp has access to the real polling data, showing support for Bush hovering near a mere 30%. "It’s only a question of how much we push our luck," explained one Rove PowerPoint slide, according to our source.

9/11 Commission: Cheney May Hold Bush’s Hand During Testimony

WASHINGTON. 9/11 Commission Chair Thomas Kean today agreed that Vice President Cheney may hold President Bush’s hand during their joint, off-the-record, not-under-oath testimony to the 9/11 Commission. Kean admitted: "Gosh, did you see Bush on Meet the Press  a few months ago? The President can hardly speak in complete sentences. We’re sure to get more lucid testimony if Mr. Cheney is there to answer the questions. If Bush testied to us on his own, the stock markets would crash overnight from instant panic. Cheney can squeeze the president’s hand really hard or stomp on his foot if he says anything too stupid, which is likely."

Michael Moore Fears Death in Plane Crash

NEW YORK. Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore reportedly will no longer fly on commercial airliners out of fear of a possible crash. “Well, maybe I’m superstitious about it. But I’m not taking any chances,” said Moore. When asked whether his new fear of flying sprang from his vocal opposition to the Bush Administration, Moore replied: “No. I mean just because Bush’s political opponents like Paul Wellstone, or the guy who ran against Ashcroft for the Senate in 2000, or JFK Jr., who was about to announce his candidacy for President in ’99, died in plane crashes, doesn’t mean I have anything to worry about. Those are just coincidences. Besides, if they ever killed me, they could make it look like a heart attack, I guess.”

“Shred of Decency” Discovered in Clinton’s Boyhood Home

HOPE, ARKANSAS. Researchers for the future William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library yesterday visited Clinton’s boyhood home in Hope, Arkansas where they claimed to have found a “shred of decency” in the President’s boyhood bedroom. The “shred,” a fragment from an apparently sincere apology note written by Clinton in 1956 to a fellow 5^th grader named Jeanette, expressed the boy’s “deepest apology” for spilling ink on her new dress. The unsent “shred” will occupy a central position in a future exhibit on “Clinton’s Moral Leadership” at the Presidential Library.

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Editor’s Note: All news items are works of parody.
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